An Open Memo to the Board of Directors at Taco Bell

The Cheesy Gordita Crunch. Why does it go away? Taco Bell keeps pointless menu items like the Enchirito around 365 days a year. The Crunch only sticks around a few months at a time, before the powers that be snatch it away for no apparent purpose, other than the need to act like sandy little buttholes. This can’t be for financial reasons; I alone would triple my visits if the CGC was a permanent fixture. The monetary losses should be vast, because people like me are certainly not going out of their way for the Beef and Potato Burrito. If anything, I’m staying away because of this betrayal. So who or what is to blame for the consistent disappearance of the greatest thing to ever happen to America, if not the world? I’ll tell you. It’s those fascists over at Disney.

They’ve been working this angle for years. It’s a basic case of supply and demand. Cut out what the people want, and their thirst will only grow and grow, right until you bring back their wants. Just recently, “The Little Mermaid” was released on DVD. You would think that such a popular film would always be available to own, but that’s not how Disney plays the game. Every decade or so, Disney releases a fan favorite, a la the Mermaid, from their ‘”vault,” and people come out of their lairs in droves, all the while screaming, “You want thing-a-ma-bobs? I’VE GOT TWENTY!!” These movies are only on the market for about a year, and then they are locked away for the entire lifespan of your family pet. This way, they only need to print a large amount all at once, the majority of which will be sold instantly. And then, they can produce commercials that convince the viewing public that this release is an event to celebrate, something not to be missed. Disney could market the return of Jesus Christ better than Yahweh himself. Hell, their marketing department could spin the impending Apocalypse into a blockbuster sequel to “The Black Cauldron” and still make millions. Somewhere, the floating head of Walt Disney is cackling like a maniac.

Other corporations are not blind to this technique; to ignore it would be like spitting in Michael Eisner’s soup. So doesn’t it seem obvious what Taco Bell is doing? The Cheesy Gordita Crunch is their “Aladdin:” a newer masterpiece that die-hard fans can’t live without. And what about old classics like the Chili Cheese Burrito? You can only find this item at certain stores, so you could liken that to stumbling upon an old VHS of “Lady and the Tramp” at a yard sale or your grandmother’s attic. These greedy bastards know they have created a delicious monster in the CGC, and quite frankly, I don’t appreciate their cock-tease behavior. It’s a bittersweet thing when I order one these days, because in the back of my mind, I know it could be the very last time. It’s hard to appreciate the tangy pepperjack sauce when the salty taste of my tears is the dominant flavor. So what should we do, just sit back and take it up the proverbial tailpipe? Well, yes, yes we should. Have you ever had a Cheesy Gordita Crunch? They’re fucking awesome. I’m talking, Wicked Fucking Awesome, just like “The Lion King.” I’ll be first in line when Simba is brought back to me.

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