Two months ago, on a whim, I bought three tickets to a WWE pay-per-view. I bought three because I stupidly assumed that people would jump at the chance to take part in the cultural smorgasboard that is live pro wrestling. Just being around the crowd is almost worth the entire ticket price. But, strangely enough, it took me several attempts to get people to tag along. I practically begged, resorting to giving seventy dollar tickets away for free. It was a sad day for American kitsch and unapologetic wrestling fans like myself. Well, after tonight’s show, I have to say that those that chose not to go are going to deeply regret their decision after I discuss what transpired earlier.
Thankfully, I have pictures that speak volumes, so I won’t have to do much writing here. Let’s begin with this:
Reason #1: The blatant homoeroticism. Typically, you can only take a picture like this at Burning Man or the set of a Joel Schumacher film. But instead, I snapped it surrounded by what can only be described as 10,000 homophobic, Red State, Toby Keith fanatics. There are countless opportunities for unintentional comedy at these events, and anyone that willingly doesn’t attend obviously doesn’t have a sense of humor.
Reason #2: Those that refuse to retire. This is Rowdy Roddy Piper, and he is grotesquely out of shape. But you know what? I went apeshit when he came out to the ring. This guy is a legend, and I couldn’t care less that he looks pregnant. That’s not the point here. I give him kudos for showing that body off for the entire world to mock. He came out with three other 50+ guys (Ric Flair, Sgt. Slaughter, Dusty Rhodes) and they got the biggest applause of the night. Only in wrestling can a senior citizen wear a speedo in public and be appreciated. My grandfather did that once at Disney World pool and he was arrested on the spot.
Reason #3: The surprise guests. When I woke up this morning, if I had to put odds on whether or not I would see Kevin Federline in person today, then I would have set them at 10 million to 1. Well, it’s a good thing I’m not a bookie, because there he is, in all his backup dancing glory. There is a long history of completely random celebrity sightings at wrestling events: Jay Leno, Pete Rose, Liberace, David Arquette, etc. When you buy a ticket, you should always be prepared to see something ridiculous. Well, something more ridiculous than grown men pretending to kick each other in the balls. Why was Kevin Federline in Cincinnati? Why was he at a wrestling show? Why was he clubbing another man with a belt? None of it made sense. And I could not stop laughing. People were booing him like crazy, but not me, I was applauding him with joy. People gave the finger, I gave a thumps up. I don’t want to jump to conclusions here, but I’m 99% sure tonight was the greatest night of my life. Thank you, Mr. Britney, you were worth the $200 by yourself.
So, if you’re one of those that turned down the chance to go with me tonight, then you have to ask yourself….do you regret it? Probably not, because only someone like me would appreciate redneck homoeroticism, old guys in spandex, and Kevin Federline. I’m not sure what that makes me, but I’m fairly certain it’s not stable.