Torn v. Nolte

Seriously, who the hell does Rip Torn think he is? As the second billed star of Freddy Got Fingered, he has no right being the funniest drunk in Hollywood. Sure, he can boast about nearly showing America his prostate in that same film, but he has tons of ground to cover before officially snatching that title from its rightful owner.

As we all know, Nick Nolte is the sole creator of the greatest mug shot of all time. He obviously spent a long time getting liquored up on scotch he made in his toilet, while simultaneoulsy picking out the finest shirt Tommy Bahama had to offer. This is not easy work, just ask Mel Gibson. He looked like he just came out of a photoshoot in his shot. He obviously didn’t have his heart in the whole ordeal.

But at least Rip put some effort into his arrest. He’s got one side of his hair up Nolte-style, but he failed in the same way as Mr. Apocalypto: he dared to smile. Sure, Torn only cocked a half-hearted grin, but nothing compares to Nolte’s “mean mug” mug, which screams, “I was in Prince of Tides, damn it! If I can survive Streisand, then I can drink and drive till Jesus comes back!” He looks like he spent the night in a dumpster full of dead squirrels and Jimmy Buffet albums. Now that’s living hard and leaving a mark.

I don’t want it to seem like I’m condoning this type of behavior, for that is far from the truth. What I am reaching for here is if you’re going to be a scumbag, then at least be a scumbag to the nth degree. Why stop halfway in your efforts to reach the pinnacle of the jerkball mountain? Did Sir Edmund Hillary stop in his tracks on Everest to say, “Ahhh, fuck it.” No sir, he did not. He kept going until the world remembered his name and his accomplishments. And that’s what I suggest to all of the frequent drunk drivers of the world. Don’t just risk the lives of yourself and others…..leave the funniest picture possible so we can all laugh at what an insufferable asshole you are. You owe it to society. Nay, you owe it to yourself.


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Filed under drunks, nick nolte, rip torn

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