Ana Wrecks Your Life

I am not okay with this…

Why are all of the ungodly hott’s suddenly summoning the powers of Greyskull and going all Skeletor on me? Who told Carrie she needed to lose the baby fat, and more importantly, those life-changing bosoms? I’m going to find out who, and stop in for a house call, and while it’s easy to admire their sleek leather, he will will not like my size 11 PF Flyers when they’re checking him for colon cancer.

Slowly but surely, we’re losing the natural beauties in Hollywood. My best example would be Jennifer Connelly:

Despite the ever constant threat of a uni-brow, she was always jaw-dropping (or pants-dropping) gorgeous. Here’s a true story: I knew around age 7, after my first viewing of Labyrinth, that I wasn’t a carrier of the (mythical) gay chromosome. Immediately, I was entranced by Connelly’s, well, her everything, and repulsed by David Bowie’s otherwordly crotch bulge. He had no right showcasing that thing so casually in front of such a beauty. Back then, I would have kicked Ziggy Stardust if we ever crossed paths. Now, I’d just ask him to teach me the ways of the codpiece. But back on subject here, Jennifer didn’t stop there with puppets and pop singers, she movied on to such mediocre classics as Career Opportunities and The Rocketeer. It didn’t matter that those films were terrible; she had solidified herself as a first class mamacita.

But then, the pressure of success came with A Beautiful Mind, causing her to make her role in Requiem for a Dream a reality, and she emerged looking like a gollum:

I remember those Oscars very well; I was torn. Should I be happy that a favorite of mine finally achieved a high level of success? Or should I puke a little everytime I see a shoulder blade jutting out of her skin, like it’s fighting for air? It was a sad day, like a part of my childhood died along side her smoking body. Perhaps her new look was responsible for her lack of success after that win, because she certainly didn’t score any new fans looking greener than Bruce Banner in The Hulk.

But there is hope for Ms. Underwood still, because Jennifer has since made her way back into the Sisterhood that Makes Pants Tighter, and with a little work, Carrie will be giving underwood like never before. And good for her, because it would have been an utter shame to waste that london bridge…..or those lady lumps…or whatever phrase Fergie uses this week. All I know is she’s workin’ on her fitness, and that can’t be a bad thing.


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Filed under carrie underwood, jennifer connelly, skinny bitch

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