Eastern Promises

Never in all of my days has there been a time when a penis flopped around in front of me and it wasn’t the focus of my attention. Wait, that came out wrong. Let me start over. A naked guy wrestled another guy and it was awesome. Wait, wait. One more try. Massive boner…..shit!!

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Okay, here’s the gist, Eastern Promises has a scene where a nude Viggo Mortensen is attacked in a spa. Two men try to slit his throat and a fight ensues. Yes, the man formerly known as Aragorn is butt naked, and yes, everything, and I mean everything, is in full view. But honestly, this fact is nothing more than another element of the scene. The brutality of the fight is so real, so full of blood, panic, and sweat, that it doesn’t matter that you can now accurately estimate the length of Viggo’s taint. This scene makes the entire movie. In the 2-3 minutes it entails, you completely understand where Viggo’s character is coming from. He is a desperate man, complete with flaws and murderous desires, willing to do anything to survive. That sums up the Russian mob presence in the film. It illustrates that human nature is ugly, and when stripped down to our bare bottoms, this sad truth can be seen more than ever. But I must admit, while I wasn’t focused on Viggo’s sack, I was partially worried that it would get cut off. Can you blame me? It was just begging to get sliced, all pompous and swaying about.

Besides the nudity and eye gougings, this was a fantastic film. I could have used a little more background for Naomi Watts’ character, and a little more loose ends tied up near the end, but that’s usually what director David Cronenberg gives you. He wants you to come to your own conclusions. This I can appreciate.

So, if you love films about 15 year old prostitutes that are raped and forced into heroin use, AND include full-frontal male nudity and numerous cut throats gushing with blood, then this is your huckleberry. I give it 3.5 out of 4 Viggo penises up!

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