Christopher Nolan’s testicles are composed of centaur meat and God’s fingernails. They are mighty and not to be reckoned with. How do I know this? He had the audacity, the out and out gall, to tell the viewing public, “I’m going to put Eric Roberts, Anthony Michael Hall, the dude who was in Spawn, and flipping Batmanuel from The Tick in my movie, and you’re going to fucking love every minute of it.”
Read that list out loud. I’ll give you a second.
Are you done laughing? I don’t blame you. If someone gave you these names at random, you would think they were listing the supporting cast of the latest straight-to-dvd thriller starring a Baldwin of some kind. Probably Daniel. Called The Heat of Seduction. Certainly, most certainly, you would not immediately imagine these names attached to the biggest film of the year. The last time Eric Roberts was this close to the A-List, he was hugging his sister at Pentacost.
This is why I honestly think Christopher Nolan got a little hammered during casting. Maybe he got high on oxycontin and thought “I’m king shit of fuck mountain. I could put that guy from Best of the Best 3 in my movie and still have it break every record in the book.” And you know what……he was absolutely right. He knew his story was gold, he knew his leads were gold, he knew he could frame and edit a shot with the best of them, and most importantly, he knew people would show up no matter what. This movie was going to work, and why not, let’s throw a bone to those in need. Hell, I don’t even know “that Spawn guy’s” name. I’m pretty sure that means he needed the paycheck.
My favorite, though, was the inclusion of Nestor Carbonell. He plays the major of Gotham City. You, if you’re a nerd, may know him as this guy:
In a prior role, Mr. Carbonell played a ridiculous caricature of Batman, and now he’s in the biggest Batman film of all time. He went from cancelled TV show caricature to vital character in the biggest movie ever. Seriously, Nolan had to of lost a bet. Maybe he was double dog dared. His bro Sully bet him three pints of Guinness he wouldn’t put Batmanuel in his movie, and booyyyyyy does Sully owe him that beer. Sully sures is dumb.
I’m hoping this becomes a trend. For example, the next Iron Man movie is going to kill, guaranteed. If Jon Favreau is in line to direct this one, then he needs to pull a Nolan. Why not stick Dan Cortese in there?
Have him play a rival love interest for Gwyneth Paltrow. Get me 30 ccs of a bloody Cortese/Downey Jr. fistfight, stat.
And while we’re at it, have Reginald VelJohnson play a cop. He’s pretty good at that.
Give him a tortured past and an addiction to painkillers. I’d pay to see that. Totally. As long as Iron Man eventually kills both of them. Nolan at least had the sense to kill a couple of our C-Listers.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining here. I LOVED seeing these little buggers on the big screen again. Frankly, I’m happy for them. I cheered and laughed harder than anyone when Roberts popped on screen. So, Mr. Nolan, I’m here to thank you. I’m glad your addiction to hardline drugs made you give a signed contract to “that guy from Spawn. You know, the guy that looks like Mike Tyson.” There really wasn’t anything to lose here. This movie was going to make a billion dollars, no matter how hard Anthony Michael Hall sucks. I bow to your massive testicles. May the gods tremble in their presence.