The first presidential debate of this historical (read: wait a tick, that’s a black guy!) campaign is tonight. To make sure I remember this incredible event, I’m going to get hammered. Wicked pissed. Turning this important night into a drinking contest. That might be a slight exaggeration. I’m not much of a drinker. In fact, most would describe me as a girl drink drunk. But that doesn’t change the fact that I’m going to get blitzed. It just means I get sauced easier, quicker, which is exactly why I’ll only be taking sips every time McCain has to defend Palin’s….well……Palin’s everything. If I chugged, I’d be dead before Obama could casually mention the South Side. Here are my rules for tonight:
– Drink every time McCain says “maverick”
– Drink every time Obama mentions “change”
– Two drinks every time Bush is mentioned
– Two drinks every time Palin is mentioned
– Three drinks every time McCain raises his arms in disgust and looks like The Penguin
– Three drinks every time Obama laughs flippantly at the foolishness of the conversation
– Chug everything in sight if McCain finally loses it and calls Obama a “friend of Charlie”
– Chug everything and punch a stranger if Obama praises Allah
These are the rules. They may change as we move along. And……here we go!
8:45 – We’ll be watching on MSNBC, because “that Rachel Maddow is the cutest lesbian in the game.” – My roommate.
8:48 – Sadly, I just learned Jim Lehrer is moderating. No sleep for me tonight. Those dead eyes kill infants.
8:51 – Whoa, three sips in and it might be bedtime. Let’s get this shit going.
9:00 – OH MY GOD THOSE EYES I CAN’T LOOK AWAY I CAN FEEL MY SOUL IMPLODING SOMEONE KNOCK ME OUT WITH A LAMP!!!
9:02 – “No applause, no cheers, no noise of any kind”…. what is this, study hall?
9:04 – Obama looks tan. Wait, was that racist?
9:05 – …..”failed principles of George W. Bush”….. 2 minutes in and here we go. It could be a long night.
9:07 – McCain starts by bringing up the fact that Ted Kennedy is in the hospital. I feel like my Assistant Principal just pulled me out of class to say my grandfather died.
9:11 – For serious, John, stop raising your arms. You look like DeVito and I can’t drink this much.
9:15 – McCain takes the first shot with earmarks, calling them a gateway drug. Sure, blame drug use on the black man. Hell, we all know the government created crack cocaine in the 80’s. Who’s really to blame here, McCain. Take a look in the mirror.
9:21 – Obama looks like he wants to give McCain a stone cold stunner. I don’t blame him.
9:22 – McCain cannot stop smiling. I think he’s imagining Michelle Obama in her undergarments.
9:25 – “That’s not true, John. That’s just not true.” I lol’d at this. I took an extra long drink in tribute.
9:29 – New rules: drink every time McCain attacks Obama, and every time McCain says “cut spending.” I might have to call into work on Monday.
9:32 – I think Lehrer is just confusing them with these questions. It might be because they’re currently in their happy places, mentally avoiding the terror that comes with his visage.
9:38 – “Orgy of spending.” Touche, Obama. Touche. Chug your beer, nation.
9:39 – Maverick AND Palin in one 10 word sentence!!
9:46 – I never knew McCain was this swarmy. I feel like he’s trying to sell me a Delorean. It’s like Obama is keeping a mental tally of how many kicks to the balls he owes McCain. It’s been 45 minutes and I think it’s up to 236.
9:51 – McCain tells Obama he doesn’t know the difference between a strategy and a tactic. Minutes later, Obama says “strategy” while glaring at McCain. I just popped a half chub and can’t wait to vote. BTW, it took me five minutes to type this sentence.
9:57 – Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb Iran. This will never stop being funny. Ever. I could see McCain singing it in his head, or maybe he was just passing a stone. Couldn’t tell.
10:01 – One more mention of Bin Laden from Obama and I’ll go and find him myself. This is getting absurd. Just find me a driver and cheap air fare and I’ll get this done, just so long as this conversation moves on.
10:10 – “Preconditions doesn’t mean you invite them over for tea,” says Obama. Whatever, if Hugo Chavez wants to come over for some guacamole and margaritas, well I say go ahead and bring out the fine china.
10:16 – I haven’t seen this many awkward smiles since fifth grade picture day. Except nobody wanted to throttle the photographer for saying you “mince words.”
10:20 – Apparently John McCain has been to every country twice. He should do Travelocity commercials. Or at least work part-time at Lonely Planet.
10:22 – What’s all this talk about Georgia? Did Jeff Foxworthy declare war against the Russians? But the Russians are red, too. That doesn’t make any sense. Also, three mentions of the word “Putin.” Chug.
10:25 – Obama just flat out interrupted McCain. Apparently someone should have been paddled in grade school.
10:34 McCain closes with a P.O.W story, Obama with a “My dad is from Kenya” story. Way to finish with gusto, gentlemen.
10:36 – And we’re done. Oh shit, there’s Cindy McCain. She should get together with Lehrer and form a coalition of the creepy. Thank goodness for you, Michelle. You’re working that dress. Let me get a taste! Well………on that note, I’m officially out of my head.
Let’s put together what we’ve learned here:
McCain likes to point the finger.
Obama takes the high road.
Four beers will get you drunk.
Do I think this will hurt Obama in the end? Sadly, probably so. McCain tried to make him look naive and weak. I’m worried he may have succeeded. What I hope is that people view it as I did, with McCain coming across as a blame-shifting cocksucker. A cocksucker that makes the world’s strangest assortment of faces. It was like a Jim Carrey movie out there. Rubberface, thy name is McCain. But I’ll bet you a bucket of wooden nickels that McCain could put down a six-pack without blinking. That’s why I can never be president.