Here we go, no boozin’ this time. I need to focus clearly on the hilarity:
9:00 – What is this? The moderator is a black woman!?!? The liberal media has gone too far this time. Just throw Maya Angelou out there, while you’re at it.
9:02 – “Can I call you Joe,” says Sarah Palin. “You can call me anything you want, as long as it’s first thing in the morning, darling,” replies Joe Biden.
9:04 – Palin’s got her hair down, but those bangs are still rockin’ out. Biden’s screwed.
9:05 – Ten words in, and Palin’s already talking about soccer moms. Doesn’t she know hockey moms think soccer moms are punk bitches? It’s worse than the bloods and crips.
9:08 – Biden pulls the Violence Against Women card, and immediately lodges it in Palin’s throat.
9:10 – Palin looking directly into the camera makes my blood curl, especially with that accent. I’m imagining her hitting me with an axe and throwing my body, piece at a time, into a woodchipper.
9:14 – Biden casually deflects an “Obama voted to tax the middle class” claim like it was mosquito. He does not respect this woman, at all. But why would she, with that whore make-up and skirt that goes above her ankles.
9:16 – Biden is now speaking directly to me about my taxes. I think he wants to give me a hug. If he comes through that television like that broad in The Ring, I will literally jump out of my own skin.
9:20 – McCain’s health plan is “the ultimate bridge to nowhere,” says Biden. We like to call that a metaphorical open-handed slap to the mouth. I think Palin just mouthed the words, “You massive jaggoff.” I saw her.
9:24 – I don’t think I’m a sexist person at heart. Sure, I make boob jokes all the time, but i think I’m a decent guy. But I’m sorry, when Palin talks, I can’t help but picture her in a cheerleader outfit. The way she’s talking up McCain, you’d think he was the starting quarterback in Varsity Blues. If she shows up in a whip cream bikini, then I give up. Give up what? Everything.
9:27 – Is it just me, or do you immediately think of Queen when someone says Freddie Mac? I don’t know about you, but I think fat-bottomed girls make the rockin’ economy go ’round.
9:31 – Palin will not blame human activity for global warming. She “doesn’t want to argue the causes.” This means, “I don’t want you to think I’m crazy.” Smart move, you know, for a crazy person.
9:32 – “I think it’s clearly man made.” – Joe Biden.
9:34 – How does the Republican Party not realize that “Drill, Baby, Drill” sounds like a porno title? How is this not obvious? Where are the advisers on this one? Are they busy watching porn?
9:37 – Biden says “same-sex marriage.” I think Palin just murdered a kitten in her mind. She is speaking about homosexuals as “they,” in the midst of a rant about tolerance. She clearly looks uncomfortable with this subject, kind of like if a vagina was two inches from her face.
9:40 – Palin really loves the word “surge.” You would think she used to drink the shit out of Surge in the mid-90’s. It would explain her jittery, jumpy persona.
9:46 – The hills of Afghanistan are alive with terroristssssss!!!!
9:47 – Nuke-u-lar, nuke-lee-er. Po-tay-to, po-tah-to. Dumb shit, not dumb shit.
9:51 – To be fair, I wouldn’t sit down with the prime minister of Spain either. I heard he smells like beef vegetable soup.
9:53 – Joe Biden should not be speaking about Joe Biden in the third person. Joe Biden needs to tell Joe Biden to shut his yapper. Joe Biden does not need to be compared to Rickey Henderson, unless he feels like stealing second base with Palin, if you catch mah drifts.
9:57 – Did Palin just refer to North Korea’s finest as Kim Jungle? I hope so, because that’s a wicked nickname.
10:00 – Dick Lugar has to be the best name in politics. Joe Biden apparently wants to be Mrs. Dick Lugar, as often as he’s dropping the name.
10:07 – John McCain knows how to win a war, apparently. So, uh, how did Vietnam work out there? I wasn’t alive, so I’m a little slow on the subject.
*The Cubs just gave up five runs in the second. I stopped paying attention for a while. Sorry, I was crying in the bathroom*
10:18 – “Dick Cheney is the most dangerous vice president in American history.” Joe Biden will not make it to this weekend. What an idiot.
10:20 – Hey, have you heard? Alaska gives out energy! And hand jobs, if you’ve been good.
10:25 – I don’t understand why they keep talking about Maverick. I mean, I really like that movie, but it’s tough to support after Mel’s “sweet tits” incident of Ought Six.
10:30 – Palin almost seems apologetic when she speaks negatively of Biden or Obama. She’s just precious. I want to buy her an Astrovan for Christmas this year. All those kids, it’s the least I could do.
10:32 – Mrs. Palin, your closing argument, what you’ve just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.