The star of last night’s last presidential debate was not someone you would have expected. The name on the lips of every American this morning is neither Obama nor McCain. No, the celebrity of the moment is from Toledo, OH, and it’s not due to vehicular manslaughter or any similar reason a Ohioan might make national news. Due to the consistent dropping of his name during the ninety minute verbal slugfest, one Joe the Plumber is now the most famous pipe-slinger since Mario and Luigi.
Luckily, we are also located in the great* state of Ohio, giving a personal connection to Mr. The Plumber. When phone contact was made, we introduced ourselves with a hearty “HOLY TOLEDO,” mixed in with an “EFF MICHIGAN,” and we were suddenly best buds with Joe, the apparent down home, open book, blue collar worker, who’s mad as hell, and he’s not going to take it anymore. The following is a transcript of our conversation:
Mindless Comfort: Hey, Joe, how’s it swingin’ these days?
Joe the Plumber: To and fro, you know how it is.
MC: Boy, do I!! There’s a little less swing in my coin purse due to a lack of weight, if you catch my drift. This darn economy.
JtP: Exactly. It’s hard out there for a guy like me these days. That’s why I had to take it to Barack at the rally last week.
MC: I understand. You’ve worked hard over the years, barely scrapping by on a worker’s wage, and now this new-fangled Chicago politician wants to take away what you’ve earned.
JtP: I haven’t put my hands in places rats don’t dare to tread for nothin’. What’s mine is mine.
MC: I don’t blame you, honestly. If the opportunity to confront the man who may have the ability to take away a chunk of your change, then you take that opportunity. Have your voice heard.
JtP: Exactly. I went down to that rally and spoke my mind. My question for him was simple, “Why do you want to take away my Mercedes, my bottles of Cristal?”
MC: Wait, what?
JtP: I looked him square in his beady, “There’s no way you’re not an Arab,” little eyes, and I said, “You ain’t taking away my winter home in Telluride. Not on my watch.”
MC: Hold on a secon….
JtP: …and most importantly, how are my kids supposed to eat if President Obama takes away their kobe beef? What are they going to live on, deli meats? Screw that, and screw him. I’d rather ’em eat off the slaughterhouse floor.
MC: Seriously, slow it down. What the hell are you talking about? A battle-state everyman can’t afford any of those things.
JtP: Everyman? More like Owns Everything, Man. Let me show you what I mean: You see that lake in the distance? I just bought it. Just now. Your first born? Mine. Transaction went through a second ago on eTrade. I own 51% stock in your first child.
JtP: Obama wants to “spread the wealth?” Biden thinks it’s “patriotic” to pay taxes? You want to know what I think about that? I think it’s patriotic to spread my wealth all over several Swiss bank accounts. If things get any worse around here, I’m’a take my monies someplace else, somewhere they’re appreciated.
MC: Take your ball and go home.
JtP: You’re damn right.
MC: Honestly, how much money do you make as a plumber?
JtP: Hold up there, son. Who said I was a plumber? I make seven figures a year shipping nuclear waste to the Sudan. That’s just a nickname. You know, like Jack the Ripper. They call me The Plumber for a different reason.
MC: Dare I ask why?
JtP: Cuz I lay pipe all over town….hiiiii-yo!!!! That’s some innuendos.
MC: But you said you put your hands in places rats wouldn’t even go. You didn’t mean toilets?
JtP: Hell to the no. That was more innuendos. High five!
MC: Really. So you’re not an actual plumber. You’re not a small town Ohio boy, barely putting food on the table. I get it now, you’re part of the 5% that will have higher taxes under his economic plan. No wonder you’re pissed.
JtP: You’re gall durn right I’m pissed. I’m talking “Just found a homeless man in my crawlspace” pissed. I’ve had 8 solid years of kickbutt taxes, and now, some point guard lookin’ dude wants to jack that up? Not cool at all. Not. Cool.
MC: So when John McCain was talking directly to you during the debate, letting you know that he had your back, what did you think about that?
JtP: I was like, “Yeahhhh, boyyyyy,” Flavor Flav. McCain feels my pain. That should be his slogan, “John McCain Feels Your McPain.” He’d win by thirty points. Dude owns like 10 cars, something like 25 houses. If anyone understands what it’s like to roll this deep, it’s him.
MC: Then you’re definitely voting for McCain.
JtP: Oh no. I’m not even registered to vote. I just like to bitch for bitching’s sake.
MC: I hate you.
JtP: Most people do. *silent sobbing*
MC: I’m going to hang up now.
JtP: Okay. Wait, do you want to take my jet to Amsterdam? Get loaded on pills and whores?
JtP: Sigh. Ok.
JtP: I’m so lonely.
hangs up phone