‘Tis the Season to be Greedy, Right?

Christmas is the one time of year where I am reminded that I’m still dependent on my parents. Not necessarily financially — I don’t have problems paying my bills or saving money — mostly it’s just the little things, things that aren’t important but still appreciated. I don’t need new furniture, but it’s nice to have. I don’t need a vacation to the Pacific Northwest, but it’s sure going to be fun. Christmas, basically, is my excuse to be spoiled and to not feel bad about it, if just for a day.

With that said, I’m going to be incredibly selfish and list all that was sent my way this fine holiday season. Yay, for boosting the struggling economy!


Take a long look at your future (too creepy?)
Take a long look at your future (too creepy?)

I had been sleeping on the same bed since 1986. The same bed my great-grandmother slept on in 1956. It was time to let this antique go the way of the Dodo. I should have tossed it years ago, but every time I saw her my grandmother would ask me how her furniture was doing. I couldn’t bare to tell her that the front leg broke off and that it was laying on an angle in my bedroom. Now that it’s been replaced for good, I’m certainly never telling her I tossed it to the curb and that it broke as it hit the ground. Of all my “gifts,” this was the most appreciated. It’s tough to bag a bountiful beauty when your love lair is leaning at a 45 degree angle. To help add to the appeal of my sin den, I also acquired the following:

For my delicates and what nots
For my delicates and what nots
For my dong bags and what nots
For my dong bags and what nots

With a strong act of selfishness, I said, “Hell yes,” when my mom asked if I wanted the matching chest of drawers and bedside table. Well, they were kind of needed. I had been stacking my underwear and socks in small piles here and there. It was starting to look like Howard Hughes’ house around here, minus the jars of urine.


For those that need help finding the closest Chik-Fil-A
For those that need help finding the closest Chik-Fil-A

This was a surprise attack from mi padre. Last year, the big time gift was this exact GPS. It was the light of my life………for about 6 weeks. I was carefree with my new love, taking it for granted at every turn by leaving it locked in my freezing cold four-door sedan. So of course it was stolen. Of course it was. It was devastating, to lose something after such little time together. Alas, I barely knew ye, John Cleese-voiced GPS system. The only thing I could do was let it go, hoping that one day we would be reunited. And wouldn’t you know it, here we are together again. Apparently the paterfamilias found a good deal on QVC (yes,QVC) and quickly snatched one up for his youngest kin. I’ve learned from my past mistakes, but only partially, really. I no longer leave it in my car, but I still have the dashboard mount up at all times, which means I’ll probably have my windows broken a few times, but I’ll still have my betrothed!


Men amongst boys
Men amongst boys

I’ve been a Vancouver Canucks fan since the Pavel Bure era of 1993. In a good year, I get to see maybe one of their games. Some seasons I don’t get a single one in my area. So to correct this little travesty, I’m going up to Seattle with some friends to visit our other friend Scott, where Vancouver is a short train ride away. We’re staying for an extended weekend, hopefully that’s enough time to eat our body weight in jerky and to master the art of curling. The trip itself will be mighty expensive (the hockey tickets alone were $100 a pop. Those Canadians love their local team to an insane degree), so my family was gracious enough to get the plane ticket for me. In return, I pledged not to get thrashed by a mountie or take advantage of their universal health care system.



Every year you know you’re getting gift cards from somebody, and every year you’re glad that they did. What’s not to like? I mean, unless somebody hands you a card with $10 worth of goods at Lane Bryant, you’re probably going to be at least mildly appreciative. This year did not disappoint. I received what you see above from my bro-ham. I plan on redeeming them on an audiobook of Dianetics by the immortal LRH, as Herr Cruise calls him.

starbucksWhat you see above was given to me by my mother, who continues to be baffled at how much coffee I drink on a daily basis. I do not come from a family of coffee drinkers. Their coffee maker only sees the light of day on holidays when extended family visits. I’m pretty sure they bought that Mr. Coffee in 1985. But I’ve come to the point where if I don’t have at least one cup by noon, I might have a total body shutdown. So, thanks, mother. You’ve kept me alive for at least another month.


I do not know this child, but I'm guessing he was robbed and murdered shortly after this picture was snapped
I do not know this child, but I’m guessing he was robbed and murdered shortly after this picture was snapped

I’m too old for my extended family to have any idea what I like or need, so for the last 10 years or so, I’ve only received envelopes full of money. Am I opposed to this turn of events? Certainly not. It’s much better than when my uncles gave me plaid sweaters or bright green luggage. Their generous donations will go toward my student loans and as down payment on my burgeoning qualude habit. Thanks, guys!



Filed under christmas, ikea, itunes, starbucks, tomtom

2 responses to “‘Tis the Season to be Greedy, Right?

  1. Emilym

    Saw that zooey deschanel is engaged my friend – thought of you and shed a tear.

  2. 8bitvegan

    so hows the bed? ive always heard of ikea stuff, but have no idea what it is. i distinctively remember molly shannon humping will ferrell and saying, “were gonna be bigger that, i-i-ikeeeaaa!”. so anyways, whats with this ikea buisness?

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