The Mandatory Oscar Wrap-Up

I had briefly considered live blogging this year’s Oscar festivities, but there was no umption in my gumption, a hitch was all up in my giddy-up. I had no horse in this race, so what was the point? Thankfully, our friends over at Voreblog did a fantastic job recapping the event, which you can find running through the magical intarweb tubes right here.

I had also briefly considered not watching the event at all. Deep down I knew who was going to win what, and deep down it made my butt twitch. This was not going to be a fun night, despite the efforts of people like Mickey Rourke and Heath Ledger. These guys made this year in film a little less awful. A little less drenched in mediocrity. After last year’s rare night, when the Academy actually got everything right (well, in my eyes), the odds were pretty good that we as a movie going public would be forcibly thrown into the bog of eternal stench. There Will Be Blood, No Country for Old Men, Once— these movies and those that helped make them great deserved the recognition. We had been spoiled, and now it was time to sit back and watch the self-gratification. It was the “Great Suck-Off of ’08” and we were the fluffers. And as much as I love Danny Boyle, Sean Penn, and Kate Winslet, I’m sorry, I won’t be their happy ending masseuse this year. Instead, I’ll be giving consolation rubdowns to Christopher Nolan, Anne Hathaway, and Mickey Rourke. Well, maybe not Mickey, he’s got his hand down his pants enough as it is. I think he’s all set.

Speaking of, one more reason Rourke not winning is a traveshamockery: we were denied the best Oscar acceptance speech of all time. Don’t believe that it would have been awesome? Watch this:

You’re kidding yourself if you think that wasn’t incredible. He praised Eric Roberts. ERIC ROBERTS!! God love this man, for he is the patron saint of batshit crazy has been actors. I’ve been on board the comeback of Sir Eric Roberts for years. I thought he was almost back after that Killers video, and his part in The Dark Knight was definitely a step in the right direction, but we need a full-on Eric Roberts driven film. A Best of the Best sequel perhaps?

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Anywow, you may have noticed that I haven’t even mentioned The Film Equivalent to Getting Dysentery From a Bad Plate of Saag Choley. At this point, what good would whining do? What’s done is done. The English Patient, Titanic, Chicago, and Crash all won Best Picture –these things happen. It’s like losing a grandparent. We know it’s just part of life, we mourn, and we move on, hopeful that next year will be tragedy free.

Things I Did Enjoy:

  • Hugh Jackman, minus the second song and dance. He should know by now that anything with the name Baz Luhrman attached equals “stay away.”
  • Tina Fey and Steve Martin. Two of my favorite people together. I hope they do fall in love.
  • Wall-E‘s win. Like we didn’t see that coming. Well, those that aren’t surnamed Vore and have their heads permanently up their cabooses.
  • Natalie Portman and Ben Stiller. Anytime she’s around, things are better, and when he wandered away from the podium, I snorted a little. Not coke, though. I don’t care for the nose bleeds.
  • Peter Gabriel’s performance boycott. Damn the man, Pete!
  • When everyone cried for poor old Heath Ledger. I appreciated the sincerity.
  • Anne Hathaway’s Nixon impersonation and her fantastic cans. I really wish she had won, because hers was the most genuine performance of the year. But you could tell she was just happy to be there anyway. Good on her.
  • A Kevin Kline sighting! I miss that guy and his hot wife. Too bad he shared a stage with Cuba Gooding Jr.
  • Cleavage Cleavage Cleavage. If Slumdog had been 90 minutes of cleavage, I may have enjoyed it more. Something to think on, Danny Boyle.
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4 Comments

Filed under anne hathaway, awful shit, eric roberts, mickey rourke, oscars

4 responses to “The Mandatory Oscar Wrap-Up

  1. Ben

    No love for The English Patient? Hmmm. Maybe we’re not the only ones with our heads up our cabooses.

    Sorry we had to call the cops on you last night.

  2. Matthew Leathers

    Come on, The English Patient was too long and too boring. Only librarians named Marilyn liked that movie. No offense, mom.

  3. voreblog

    Marilyn just called us crying. Shame on you.

    And Kate Winslet is still wondering what it’ll take for you to be her Happy Ending Masseuse.

  4. I hope you know that Eric Stoltz does have a new project coming out shortly: CAPRICA.

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