When I attended Western Kentucky University, I didn’t have what you would call a “whole lot of friends.” I moved down from a great life in Lexington, one full of bros and hos (not true), to a new life where I knew maybe two people, neither of whom could be classified as a “ho.” This was new to me. I had always gone to new cities with friends by my side. Never before was I given the task of making new friends. The problem was, and sort of still is, if given the option of becoming a hermit, I will always take it. Always. I was there for two years, relatively alone in my one bedroom apartment at most hours of the day.
My solution for passing all that lonely time? Netflix. The novel idea of movies through the mail was still relatively new way back in 2004. This was way before “over a billion movies shipped” and all that. Back then, this was a remarkable idea. I jumped on the bandwagon as quickly as I could without throwing out my back, being the huge movie nerd that I am. On average, I would watch 15-20 movies a month, give or take a Vin Diesel opus or two. Thats ALL I did. Just sat in my dark apartment and took in the latest Bill Murray-voiced Garfield extravaganza.
And I was certainly not picky, as you can tell. If a mainstream movie was released on DVD between 2003-2005, I watched it on my hand-me-down couch with a fresh glass of sweet tea in my hand. My favorite part about this whole experience was writing blurbs afterward on the website. These were one paragraph summaries you could link to the movie you just watched. At the very least, if it was a piece of crap, I could label it so right there on the interwebs.
After graduating and moving back north, I suddenly found myself amongst friends again. This seriously cut in to my Netflix time, eventually leading to today’s state of affairs, where I watch 1-3 movies a month. My heart’s just not in it anymore, I suppose. Yesterday I randomly decided to read through some of the blurbs from way back when, and looking through the pile, I found a ton of movies I have no memory of watching. It was just funny to see my immediate reactions of the experience. Perhaps, just perhaps, you will appreciate those reasctions as well. So, for your viewing pleasure, I will now present volume one of a multiple part series entitled:
At the Movies with Leathers and Nobody; or, Violence, Boobs, and Farts, Oh My!
The Ring 2: “Sure, I pooped my pants. But does that make it a good movie? No.”
Crash: “Who knew there are only 7-10 people in all of Los Angeles? Not this guy.”
The Amityville Horror: “Hey, if having perfect abs makes you crazy, then consider me batshit insane.”
Coach Carter: “Make that layup, motherfucker! Pass that algebra quiz, you sonofabitch!”
Bewitched: “There was this one time when I wanted to bone the life out of Nicole Kidman. That’s pretty much all I have to say.”
Kingdom of Heaven: “You see? Muslims and the like ain’t bad people. You see?!?! Hello?”
Stealth: “The last word of the movie was ‘pussy.’ The end.'”
War of the Worlds: “Spielberg should have known to piss on this script. His Jew-dom is revoked for a year.”
The Fantastic Four: “So many plot holes. So much utter bullshit. And Alba’s ass looked big. Fail.”
The Island: “Not as bad as it should have been been. I feel bad for not hating it. Scarlett has boobs.”
Grizzly Man: “I didn’t know this was a comedy. I laughed and then I laughed some more. Five thumbs up!!”
Corpse Bride: “Did you watch the special features about the voice casting? Helena Bonham Carter looks like a bag lady. With worse teeth.”
A History of Violence: “Loved that random crotch shot!”
X-Men 3: “P.O.S., in every way possible.”
Winter Passing: “Zooey Deschanel drowned a kitten. And I still love her.”
Cheaper by the Dozen 2: “I did not cry during this movie. Repeat: I did not cry during this movie.”
Running Scared: “This is the best movie Paul Walker will ever be in. 1 star.”
V for Vendetta: “I’m sorry, but I never noticed how jewish Natalie Portman actually looked until I saw her with a shaved head and a malnourished body. Does noticing that make me a terrible person?”
Glory Road: “Josh Lucas is a horrible, horrible actor. I don’t like him one bit. Every scene felt like it was written the day of. “Oh, we don’t have a scene where the one guy is dunked in piss? Give me 5 minutes.”
Underworld: Evolution: “Yeah, I liked it, so what? Get off me, son! And kudos to Beckinsale for being hot and showing underboob, but no nip, sadly.”
Syriana: “Netflix should decline certain movies based on your past rentals, “Sorry, you watched The Ringer and Scary Movie 4 last week. You’re too dumb to watch Syriana.” Would have saved me 2 hours.”
R.V.: “”You know, that Jayne Mansfield had some big breasts.” – Jerry Seinfeld. “You know, that Kristen Chenoweth had some big breasts.” – Matthew Leathers. Loved that hanging out the window scene. Niiiceeee.”
Failure to Launch: “I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: Zooey Deschanel is the perfect woman. I’d like to think I’m an emotionally stable person, but….I’m pretty sure I’d kill for her. Fame: Ain’t it a bitch.”
The Lake House: “GD it, if I didn’t enjoy The Lake House. I blame two things: 1. My steadfast dedication to the unnecessarily bashed Keanu Reeves; 2. I’ve been single for over four years. Even commercials make me cry.”
More to come!