Netflix: Part Deux

Without further Gerard Deperdieu, here are more Netflix mini-reviews you didn’t ask for!

The Protector: “Not as good as Ong Bak, but only because Jaa was never on fire at some point in this one. The story is ridiculous, the dialogue is pointless, but who cares, he breaks 50 arms in 5 minutes. Tight!”

Jackass Number 2: “There’s so much dong in this movie. So much freaking dong. I don’t care about eating poop or drinking horse semen. I just don’t want to see so much dong. Call me homophobic, but I don’t like dongs.”

The Omen (remake): “HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!! YAY!!!!!”

Because I Said So: “You know what’s funnier than anything I could say about this movie? The fact that I’ve actually seen it. I’m starting to question whether I understand how the world works anymore.”

An Inconvenient Truth: “Blah blah blah. How many times can one man say, “My friend…” in one presentation? Boring and self-indulgent. I’m sorry, the guy is a total douche-aroni. God would totally not drown us. Duh, guys.”

You, Me, and Dupree: “That Kate Hudson, what a hot little package, huh? That Matt Dillon, he was in The Outsiders, right? That Owen Wilson, he never gets haircuts, ya heard? That movie they’re all in, it’s awful, eh?”

Pulse: “I’ve seen a lot of shit in my life, a whole lot of shit. This one, however, might be the stinkiest of them all. Ok, that might be a little harsh, but the smell is still fresh and lingering in my nose.”

The Devil Wears Prada: “Bitches can’t haaaaanggggg with the streets.”

The OH in Ohio: “If I wanted to see Danny DeVito and Parker Posey having sex, I’d take a hit of acid and cross that bridge when I “float” to it.”

Lady in the Water: “Bad storytelling. Just piss poor. I mean, it’s bad. Just bad story telling. Bad, bad, bad. If I had a thesaurus, I could think of something besides bad. Oh, that’s right, “Awful.” Awful storytelling.”

Night at the Museum: “I know it’s a family film and all, but there was Carla Gugino, primed for a good “boffing,” but noooooo, she ended up writing a book and not getting it on with Stiller. Sorry, but it’s 2 stars now.”

Roll Bounce: “Not at all terrible, just your typical piece of nostalgia. Well, black nostalgia. Yeah, I said it. Sorry, if I can’t relate to rollerskating to Le Freak in 1977….with an afro.”

The Guardian: “I wasn’t sure if I liked this or not. But then the Bryan Adams song kicked in at the end credits and my decision was made. 2 stars. For being too long, for the terrible ending, for the Canadian singer.”

Running with Scissors: “I can’t speak for the book, you know, since I don’t read, but it can’t be nearly as god awful as this. It’s actually still playing as I type, but I don’t need to finish. It’s making my soul puke.”

Hollywoodland: “You know that Diet Coke commercial where Adrien Brody bounces down the street amongst some bubbles, and some dude off camera yells, “Hey, Brody?” I wish I was that dude. Brody is dope, man.”

Volver: “And the Academy Award for Best Use of Boobs goes to……Pedro Almodovar! I swear, no one can highlight the cleave better than him. I ain’t hatin, I’m congratulatin’.”

Superbad: “I can’t believe I almost took my parents to this. Dodged a bullet there. But either way, I’m totally an Evan. Take my quiz to see which Superbad character you are!!! LoLLzzz!!!!11!!!!”

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2 Comments

Filed under netflix

2 responses to “Netflix: Part Deux

  1. i, for one, wanted more of these. still do! 🙂

  2. voreblog

    Ben took my mom to see Superbad. On my birthday.

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