Netflix: The Final Chapter

As I said before, my relationship with Netflix slowly deteriorated. Months would go by with hardly a hello or a passing glance. We were strangers in our own home. Quite sad, actually, when love doesn’t find a way to survive. This means we’ve come to the end of the line in regards to Netflix blurbs. I’d only enter one every couple of weeks or so, sometimes not for months. I wish we could end with a bang here, but I’m scraping the bottom of the barrel, like a meth fiend the night before payday at the Costco. Hopefully, you’ll get a chuckle out of one or two. The same chuckle you’d happily heave at that meth fiend.

The Curse of the Golden Flower: “Boh-rang! Utterly boh-rang. Really not much going on amidst the colors and stern looking faces. Not a fan of the story. But it will do WONDERS for Asian cleavage in cinema. 5 stars for cleavage.”

The Pursuit of Happyness: “You know the difference between me and you? I make homelessness look good – Will Smith. I may have cried. So what.”

Lady Vengeance: “Don’t watch this on a plane. The stewardesses will think you’re mentally unbalanced and alert Homeland Security. But, as I sit here in Guantanamo Bay, I have to say it was a pretty good film.”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix: “This is a Harry Potter movie. If you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all. Decent way to spend 2 hours. It’s better than licking the cat’s butt, I suppose.”

Waitress: “I’m totally gay for this movie. Wait, let me toughen that up: I’ve got a righteous boner for this movie. That might not be better. Let’s see: I’ve got a righteous boner for Keri Russell. There we go.”

City of God: “Why’d they have to kill Benny? He was the coolest hood in town.”

Flyboys: “Two hours of hot people looking like they have mild indigestion. And there’s evil Germans. Germans that could be found in Abercrombie ads. “Abercrombie und Fitch: Vee Shoot You in zee Face with Khakis!!”

Saw IV: “Couldn’t be worse. They could spend 90 minutes punting kittens into a river and call it Saw V, and it wouldn’t be any worse than this. Didn’t make a lick of sense.”

American Gangster: “There was an unnecessary use of a Cuba Gooding Jr. in this movie. That demotes it to 3 stars. He was basically Rod Tidwell in 1969, had the same fu manchu and everything. Show me the moneyss!!”

Wristcutters: A Love Story: “If I see Tom Waits lying in the middle of the road, be rest assured that I’m going to run him the eff over. That mother father is kah-ray-zee! Anywho, fun little film. Ya know, for one about suicide.”

National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets: “This is a movie with Nicolas Cage in it. 3 stars!” (I shat you not, Voreblog. This was my actual blurb)

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer: “These movies are terrible. Too hokey, sitcom-y. It’s like an episode of Friends, but if Chandler was a silver alien on a surfboard. Could I BE any more silver!?!?”

Lars and the Real Girl: “OMG I’M SUCH A PUSSY. I went “awwww” like 10 times during this movie. That’s it, I’m totally gay for Gosling. I should make a bumper sticker and start a club. Kickass mustache, too.”

The Shining: “My question for that little boy is this: Did you get a half-chub when the woman in the tub was strangling you? Just saying, some people are into that kind of thing. It killed Michael Hutchence.”

The Comebacks: “I tried to watch The Game Plan starring, my boy, The Rock, on Starz On Demand, but my parents don’t have that subscription. After picking my heart up off the floor, I ordered this one instead. When the credits rolled, Jesus wept.”


The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor: “I’m too old for this shit! Here we go again! Oy vey! I knew I picked a bad day to quit drinkin’! Yackity schmackity doo!! *rimshot* *trombone slide* *canned laughter*”

Max Payne: “What is Mark Wahlberg, 5’8″? Also, is he ever not on Quaaludes? Someone get that guy a 5 hr energy. Anywhoosers, terrible movie.”



Filed under netflix

2 responses to “Netflix: The Final Chapter

  1. voreblog

    The bottom of your barrel is the cream of another man’s crop. Don’t spend too long trying to figure that last sentence out.

    Scooter Thomas would gladly lick his butt for days if it meant never being subjected to a Harry Potter movie. Or Saw IV.

  2. Erik

    yeah – where is my frozen river? yeah.

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