Things to Do in Brooklyn When You’re Inbred (A Kentuckian Heads to NYC)


Sometime in the last few months, I decided it was a good idea to move to New York City. And since I was so keen on this thought, I took the necessary steps to get things in motion. I reserved a month-long sublet in Brooklyn, put in my two weeks at work, and booked a cheap flight to JFK on July 7th. This is going to happen. No turning back now, nancy. This was all so exhilarating before, but now? I’m starting to feel the pressure, like a decapitated Evil Dead skull in a vice. There’s just so much to do. I’ve got to sell my car, my furniture, my random “get this out of my life” stuff, my excess cocaine (oxymoron?), all of it. I have to learn how to ride a bike without running into trees, stop signs, dead animals (so far unsuccessful). I have to say my goodbyes to all those that love the hell out of me. I owe them at least a pat on the back and a “Later, Tater.” I have to clear my name in that whole triple homicide thing that just won’t leave me be. THERE’S JUST SO MUCH TO DO!

Can this Kentucky boy, who has never been more than 100 miles from home, make it in the biggest city of them all? Let’s ask the ol’ Magic Eight Ball and find out, shall we?

*shake shake shake*

*shake shake shake*

*(shake that booty)*

All signs point to quite possibly perhaps

That sounds about right. But really, there’s not going to be much more to surviving in that city than finding, and keeping (important), a decent paying job. I might be in trouble here, considering my resume has more holes in it than Tupac. But I have faith in my winning personality, dashing Fred Savage-esque good looks, and apparent humility. What’s not to love, employers?!? Let’s get this stew a-cookin’.

I’m still in my twenties (for six more months), I don’t have a mortgage, a wife, a dog, a debilitating disease, there’s nothing holding me back. So let’s make some memories that don’t involve getting bludgeoned to death in an alley! Here’s a list of things I hope to accomplish in the first year:

  • Do not get bludgeoned to death in an alley
  • Meet and give a “how do you do” to a cast member of SNL (Male or Female)
  • Become the Naked Cowboy’s sidekick: Fully Clothed Native American
  • Find Jimmy Hoffa, preferably alive and in an IKEA. Swedish Meatballs!
  • Ride the subway until someone mistakes me for that guy that was in that thing (as long as it takes)
  • Join a union (any) and start a strike where our demands are for old school Nikes
  • Audition for Rent! but storm out when I discover it’s not for a musical adaptation of The Money Pit.
  • Give everyone I come across in Harlem a wacky Globetrotter name: “I’m going to call you Windex, cuz you clean the glass!”
  • Go to Rucker Park and exclaim, “Finally, Hootie got some recognition!”
  • Run for my life
  • Do not get bludgeoned to death in an alley

These are all completely doable, and not ranked in any particular order. I have high hopes for the coming months. I’m going to get off that plane, grab the five boroughs by their ten testicles (obviously male), and squeeze until I get what I want. Frank Sinatra was right, if I can make it there, I can make it anywhere, and it IS possible to murder a small city without getting caught. Here’s to you, Chairman.



Filed under New York City

2 responses to “Things to Do in Brooklyn When You’re Inbred (A Kentuckian Heads to NYC)

  1. mervel

    What did you run over?

  2. Mickey

    Yeah so I just now discovered your blog. Sorry.
    Fully clothed native american. Windex. Fuggun funny. You get here the same day Gifford does. We shall be friends together and do things!

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