Let me say right off the bat that I am in no way fashionable. I wear jeans purchased at the Gap, five year old Asics with holes in the sides, and the occasional joke t-shirt (Don’t Taze Me, Bro!, World Class Dad, etc…). I have the same haircut as Ben Affleck circa Good Will Hunting, and I have been known to forget to trim my unibrow from time to time. I’m hardly a shining beacon of picturesque beauty. But even with that said, I still feel I have every right to complain about a current fashion trend that’s infecting this city at a more rapid rate than the swine flu could ever dream.
As I walk the streets during my daily trips to the free clinic and Starbucks, I find myself constantly staring at women’s feet. Not in the “Please let me dip those in ranch dressing” way, but simply because they’ve drawn attention to their feet by putting on these:
I thought I was being punny when I google searched “gladiator shoes” to try and find out what these monstrosities are actually called. But, as it turns out, they’re really called gladiator shoes, or Roman Gladiator Sandals. Aren’t we nine years late to hop aboard this bandwagon. Hasn’t Russell Crowe gained 50 pounds since this was last relevant? Why are women just now getting in sword fights on Madison Avenue? This trend is sooooooo Y2K.
But don’t get me wrong, I’m not upset because we’re a decade late here — I’m just confused as to why anyone would want to look like a Christian whose face is about to be eaten by a lion. Believe me, I’m all about comfort — sometimes I don’t put on pants till dusk — but I don’t want to have to worry about my lady friend running me over with a chariot every five minutes. I’m looking for a wife, not Ben-Hur.
I’m wondering if these are even comfortable, though. Sandals, for the most part, are a form of stress-relief. Well, for those wearing them, for others, it could cause an irregular heartbeat by having to stare at someones black toenail. But this is about personal comfort, and sandals are important here. So, are these contraptions with the multi-straps a relief for a long day’s journey, or do they remind you as to why we stopped wearing them two thousand years ago? With how most fashionable shoes make you ladies complain, I’m leaning toward the latter. At least with Uggs or Crocs, the ugly came with the good. You looked like a goon, but at least you didn’t feel your heartbeat in your ankles.
This complaining isn’t going to do any good, I know that. This trend will continue to rise, eventually leading to cougars wearing togas to Speed Dating and an alarming amount of suicides by hemlock poisoning. It’s all about peaks and valleys. And at the very least I’ll get some laughs out of it. As for you:
Let me know if I’m way off-base here. I’m probably alone in my anger, as I usually am. I’m hoping I’m not, because if I am, I might go Salinger on ya’lls asses more sooner than later.
And an added bonus, just because it made me laugh and I didn’t want to leave it out: