Netflix Makes a Comeback: Unemployed Edition

So I’ve been without a job since the end of June. The fantastic idea to quit a steady job and move to the big city has not yet turned into an awful idea. It could over time, but so far it’s gained me the opportunity to catch up on my Brendan Fraser movies, something I’ve been wanting to do for what feels like an eternity. I’ve missed you, B. Frazzles. Never leave me again.

As always, I let the Netflix community know how I felt about each one I saw. For non-members, here’s a quick smattering of what I’ve been watching. Judge for yourself if my tastes are on par with an 8 year old girl.

Knowing: “Netflix users are rating this a 3.9? Really? Granted, it’s not Cage’s worst movie. In fact, his performance wasn’t the worst in it (Rose Byrne). But is it goofy, pseudo-philosophical nonsense? Completely. Shame, Netflix community.”

Hitman: “I decided to give this movie 50 minutes, a decent shot. At the 49th minute, the female lead walked around topless for a while. I said, ‘Danka,” and went to bed. It could only go downhill from there.”

X-Men Origins: Wolverine: “Was nothing more than a predictable action/romance with Hugh Jackman in muttonchops. Too “Fantastic Four” hokey w/ 1993 special effects. How can a movie made for 150 million look worse than Ben Hur?”

The Day the Earth Stood Still: “Jaden Smith needs a punch to the face. Yeah, he’s only nine, but someone needs to do it. Jada obviously ain’t doing it, and God knows that sissy Will won’t. Sign me up for that job.”

Get Smart: “Not awful. Couldn’t believe it. I watched the whole thing. I know, right? Is Anne Hathaway perfect, not because she’s typically beautiful but because she’s not typically beautiful? Or is it the boobs? So many questions.”

Kung Fu Panda: “Who do animation studios not named Pixar or Aardman even bother trying? Had potential but eventually the story was just dumb as a puppy the fell down a well. Even dumber than a panda that knows kung-fu. Somehow.”

The Condemned: “Actually moderately tense & compelling for chunks, but anything it earned went to hell by the last 20 minutes. Just watch The Running Man instead. I love The Running Man. Opera singing assassins, for crying out loud!”

Terminator Salvation: “I caught the last 25 minutes of Charlie’s Angels today, one week after seeing this movie, and now I know one thing to be uncontested gospel: McG is a piece of shit.”

Street Kings: “Played like a sequel to Training Day, with its corrupt cops and da crips und da bloods. Definitely not as good as that movie, but, meh, not terrible. Mostly I’m just gay for Keanu.”

The Brothers Bloom: “OMG, A ONE LEGGED KITTEN IN A ROLLER SKATE!! That’s all I needed to see. I’m sold. I hope Kittenz gets a bigger role in the sequel. Or maybe a bigger “roll.” LOL!”

Jumper: “From the director of Swingers (seriously) comes a 90 minute reel of action sequences set to your favorite hits by The Fray! Don’t delay, order now!! *No C.O.D’s excepted*”

Yes Man: “I still love you, Jim Carrey. And I think I always will. Not a return to form, but still worth a watch. And you, Zooey. Ohhhhhhh, you. You, you, you, you. Little ol’ you. Yoooooouuuuuuuu.”

The House Bunny: “Get off of my back, I enjoyed it. Anna Faris has genuine comic timing. Also impressed by Emma Stone. Still freaked out by Colin Hanks. It’s like Tom merged with Gumby. He’s a golum Tom Hanks.”

Dan in Real Life: “Show me an extended family that actually gets along and holds talent shows and other elaborate festivities, and I’ll show you a triple homicide waiting to happen. That shit’s not real, ya’ll.”

Coraline: “As you all know, I’m a HUGE Dakota Fanning fan, so this was a no-brainer. Her voice work is beyond compare!!!! But serialsly, I enjoyed this a great deal. Stop animation is my favsssss.”

Push: “DAKOTA FANNING WEEKEND CONTINUES!!!!!!! So, D-Fan can totally predict the future in this movie. I hope it involves me and a Sex and the City marathon LOL!!!!”

Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist: “I think both Nick and Norah need to deal with their still-open failed relationships before jumping into something new. If not, theirs will end in a Hindenburg like explosion. Just saying.”

Let the Right One In: “Quick shot of tween crotch aside, this was awesome. Makes Twilight look like a Judy Blume coming of age tale — Are You There, Edward? It’s Me, Abstinence. And who knew Swedes were so cruel? I thought they were happy go lucky. Bork Bork Bork!!!”

Mad Max/The Road Warrior: “I wish I loved these more. I feel like I’m letting Mel down. Sorry, sugar tits. I’ll just pop in the Lethal Weapon tetralogy as penance.”

Fido: “A great idea that made me chuckle more than a few times. May have been a better 5 minute skit. But I just like any movie where boy scouts get shot in the chest.”

The Game Plan: “Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson has won my heart. Who am I kidding, I could smell what he was cooking years ago, and it’s delicious. By the by, this movie is terrible.”

Choke: “Not nearly as depraved as I’d hoped. What’s that say about me? Nothing, other than I see nothing strange about a man having an anal bead lodged inside him for weeks. I call that the Holiday Season.”

The Air I Breathe: “My boy Brendan Fraser can still pull off drama. School Ties ain’t no joke! But can he singlehandedly save a movie seemingly made by a severely depressed ten year old? Nopers.”

Space Chimps: “My roommates went to Blockbuster last night. “They’re both actors,” I thought, “They’ll pick something good.” So when they walked in with this, I became convinced that even Sir Laurence Olivier would appreciate a good fart joke.”



Filed under netflix

2 responses to “Netflix Makes a Comeback: Unemployed Edition

  1. voreblog

    Spot-on reviews of Yes Man (we wanted not to like it; we failed) and Dan in Real Life. How/why did Sondre Lerche get dragged into that mess?

    Of course, you are kinder to Knowing than we were. Anyone who rated that higher than one star deserves to have his Netflix membership revoked. And to be summarily executed by firing squad.

  2. Finnigan

    I don’t remember the tween crotch in Let the Right One In, but I agree that it was a pretty sweet movie. I had to rewind the ending thrice to fully soak in the violence.

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