DUBLIN — Sources are now saying that U2 lead singer Bono, apparently dejected over his latest snub, has not left the bathtub since Barack Obama was announced as this year’s Nobel Peace Prize recipient. Fears are increasing within his compound that severe pruning has more than likely already set in. Said one of several live-in maids/concubines, who wished to remain anonymous, “If Mr. Bono does not soon remove his dwarf-ish frame from the water filled with his own mess, we are worried he may become permanently adhered to the porcelain.” Many believed this was to be the year he was finally awarded the prestigious award. For years, Bono has battled for world peace, fought hunger, disease, and famine, but not once has Mr. Nobel’s grand prize bared his name. “What’s a dirty mick gotta do to win some (redacted) awards around here,” he was once misquoted as saying. Year after year, his name was near of the top of the list of nominees, giving him hope, but this year’s backbreaking loss may finally be the year to officially kill Bono’s spirit. Through the bathroom door, he could be heard mumbling, “I’m going to Africa with a truck full of food, and I’m going to eat all of it in front of a village of starving toddlers, I swear to God…….With or without youuuuuuuuuu, I can’t liiiiiiiiiive, WITH OR WITHOUT YOU, OHHHHH!” Let’s hope this is one promise that he does not fulfill. The SWAT team has been called to the home, and if they cannot remove his pale fanny from the deep, dark waters of his troubled soul, then there may be no saving the troubled troubadour. Keep your fingers crossed on what was supposed to be a day for celebrating peace and compassion.