Oscar Night is like second Christmas for me. All awards season I wait in anticipation, much like the holiday season, even with the possibility of being let down on the big day. Sometimes I think I’m going to finally get that Wii (a win for The Hurt Locker), I actually get a stocking full of oranges and Happy Meal toys (a win for Avatar). It’s certainly a love/hate relationship, because often I do get that game console (No Country for Old Men). This is what keeps me coming back, the slight possibility that I’ll go to bed not wanting to curb stomp a battalion of puppies.
So, tonight, I’ll begin this live bloggins with a positive attitude. We’ll see how far into the hate abyss I go after having to listen to the noises emitting from James Cameron’s mouth hole with every win. Let’s do this!
(Note: I’m going to completely ignore The Barbara Walters Special, because, fuck her, you know?)
8:01 – Thirty seconds in and we have a Kathy Ireland sighting. 13-year old Matthew just took his pants off.
8:03 – All five supporting actress nominees are together, or as I like to call them, Mo’nique and the Four Women That Will Always Hate Mo’nique.
8:08 – Zac Efron is here and he’s a good 6 inches shorter than host Kathy. Perfect viewpoint if he has an adam’s apple fetish. (Sorry, Kathy. You do have a man-jaw)
8:10 – Overheard description of Miley Cyrus, “It’s like the guys from Deliverance had a chud baby and named it Miley.”
8:11 – Sherri Shepherd has no idea who Helen Mirren and Christopher Plummer are, not shocking considering she’s the same woman that thinks time started the exact second Jesus was born. Seriously, she said that.
8:15 – Here’s J-Lo, nominated tonight for Best Jenny From the Block. Her only competition: Jenny Craig. Also, her worst enemy.
8:19 – Someone at this party just spoiled the ending to Remember Me. He just saved everyone in this room the zero dollars they wouldn’t have paid when they didn’t go see it.
8:24 – It’s official: Jeff Bridges IS The Dude. It almost ruins that performance knowing he just showed up in his own clothes/robe and started riffing.
8: 26 – I’m sorry, but I don’t know her real name, but Precious is looking good tonight. Good on her. Sadly, her interview was followed by Taylor Lautner, who is a mouth-breather. Just goes to show that abs are totally irrelevant. Right? Right?!?
8:32 – Why isn’t Neil Patrick Harris hosting? No offense to my secret boyfriend Steve Martin, but this man is the best thing that ever happened to everything. NPH is my not-a-secret boyfriend.
8:38 – But really, though, these two hosts are wonderful. Steve’s showing his age a bit, and Alec is still, well, fat, but they work perfectly together. Now that I’ve properly insulted old people and fat people, I bid you a’goodnight. Time to retreat into my sleep incubator that will forever keep me young and slight.
8:40 – Did they have to give Precious two seats? Is this a Southwest flight? Someone call Johnnie Cochran. Oh, he’s dead? Ouch.
8:42 – Kathryn Bigelow: Makes Pants Gigolo (I’m not proud of that one)
8:46 – Best Supporting Actor is first. Can we just skip this and give it to that guy in that thing? Matt Damon, duh. He played rugby! That ish is hard, y’all.
8:50 – Shocking, a foreigner won. We outsource our awards every single year. Christoph Waltz, I hope you get deported.
8:52 – The star of The Proposal is here to introduce a movie starring the star of The Proposal. Coincidence? Of course, totally. Get your head out of your ass.
8:58 – Fantastic Mr. Fox SHOULD have been nominated “like a real movie.” Better than UP, guys. Better than UP.
9:03 – Randy Newman is a national treasure. I say we get rid of Sandra Bullock as “America’s Sweetheart” and install Randy in that role. Immediately.
9:14 – Robert Downey Jr. could read Mein Kampf and I’d be enthralled. Wait….that’s the worst compliment possible.
9:18 – As much as I loved The Hurt Locker, it wasn’t great because of the screenplay. That award belonged to Quentin Tarentino. Now QT’s going to drown his sorrows in a mountain of coke. No way that would have happened if he had won. No way.
9:22 – This whole room is enraptured by the John Hughes montage. Well, until She’s Having a Baby showed up. That movie was the pimple on the back of Hughes’ career.
9:25 – Judd Nelson has never been happier that Hughes died. “I get to be on TV? Thanks, John’s frail heart!”
9:30 – So the guy that made Ray won Best Short Film sometime in the ’70’s? Can we fire up the flux capacitor and go make sure somebody else wins? Or at least go back and convince Jaime Foxx’s mom to join a nunnery.
9:33 – Wallace and Gromit lost to Ronald McDonald? Look to the skies, people. The Horsemen should be on their way soon.
9:39 – Oh, Ben Stiller. Always good for the obvious joke. He’s like Frank Caliendo, but not a worthless piece of shit.
9:45 – Hey, A Serious Man, would it have killed you to put a few Palestinians in your movie? So biased. This is why we’re at war.
9:48 – Everyone in this room broke out in applause during a toilet paper commercial, because the star of said commercial was sitting on the couch next to me. I know famous people.
9:52 – Lenny Kravitz is happy that Precious won Best Adapted Screenplay. Sign #1 that it didn’t deserve to win. Jason Reitman is running home to burn his “Are You Gonna Go My Way” 7″.
9:57 – And here’s Robin Williams to formally apologize for Old Dogs. Also, Robin Williams gets to present in place of Heath Ledger? That makes sense. Was Larry the Cable Guy busy?
10:01 – Why is Mo’nique so upset? Were there sinister forces behind the scenes trying to prevent all past Queens of Comedy from winning major awards? I hope so. If Adele Givens wins Best Director next year, I give up.
10:10 – Screw this art director from Avatar for actually making me want to support that movie. Stop crying, ya turkey! Gets me every time.
10:14 – I’m sorry, Precious, I didn’t see your movie. Mainly because Mariah Carey is in it and seeing her makes me want to beat up my morbidly obese black daughter. Which one? The older one. She totally has it coming.
10:20 – To present the horror film montage, here’s the frightening future of film: Taylor Lautner. I hope Jack Nicholson shows up at the end and cuts him down with an axe. All mouth breathing and no talent make Taylor a dead boy.
10:27 – First losses for Avatar and more wins for The Hurt Locker in sound editing and mixing! This is a good sign that I will not have to cry myself to sleep tonight. Fingers crossed.
10:32 – Quote from the room: “Eli Roth is a human bobblehead. He’s a giant that forgot to get giant.”
10:34 – Is Yaz the main sponsor of the Oscars? As a staunch Roman Catholic, I am now a strict Golden Globes guy.
10:39 – For the In Memorium presentation, here’s someone whose career passed on after The Scarlett Letter: Demi Moore.
10:40 – I always feel bad for those that only get sporadic applause during this presentation. Our bad, writer Larry Gelbart, you weren’t in Clueless, nor were you the star of The Wiz.
10:47 – When I think of the music from Sherlock Holmes, I think of hip hop ballet.
10:56 – Someone order a round of beefcake? Yes? Here’s Bradley Cooper and Gerard Butler. Excuse me while I go rethink my choice of lifestyle. Nature/nurture? More like nurture/nurture.
11:03 – Time for the Documentary awards, or, time to go check your Twitter feed.
11:08 – Tyler Perry is here to remind us that the African American community still exists. Yet, Medea Goes to Jail was totally snubbed. Did you die in vain, Malcolm X? (Too soon?)
11:11 – Keanu Reeves is here to present The Hurt Locker, because he knows what it’s like to bomb. *trombone slide, face palm*
11:19 – Upset of the night for Best Foreign Film. No WAY El Secreto De Sus Ojos was better than Das Weisse Band. NO WAY! I’m composing an irate letter to my local congressman ASAP.
11:26 – For Best Actor, we’re going to bring out anybody that’s willing to beat off the nominees with their words. Julianne Moore, I thought I knew you.
11:31 – I take it all back. A Shawshank Redemption reunion with Robbins and Freeman. I’m bawling here. I hope to see my friend and shake his hand. I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams. I hope.
11:36 – I haven’t seen Crazy Heart, but I’m still happy for The Dude. This Oscar will really tie the room together.
11:41 – If Sandra Bullock wins, I’ll be afraid for my life. Everyone here is armed to the teeth and ready to riot.
11:42 – Oprah’s here! YOU ALL WIN A NEW OOOOOSSSSSCCCCAAAARRRRR!!!! YOU’RE GETTING AN OSCAR, YOU’RE GETTING AN OSCAR, YOU’RE GETTING AN OSCAR!
11:47 – Stanley Tucci should not be groveling to Meryl Streep. He was incredible in Undercover Blues as El Muerte (Too obscure?).
11:50 – And the winner is……Sandra Bullock. Boooooooooo!! Bow down to her. Bow if you want, the Queen of Slime, Filth, Refuse, Boooo, BOOOO!!!!!
11:55 – Barbra Streisand is here to remind us that Barbra Streisand is still alive. I resent her for this.
11:57 – You have no idea how happy it makes me to know that the director of Point Break is an Oscar winner. Somewhere, Johnny Utah is smiling.
11:59 – Also, Kathryn Bigelow is 58 and the hottest woman in the room. Was she the inspiration for the Na’avi? Probably. The tail is the biggest hint.
12:01 – Tom Hanks just delivered the happiest news since the end of World War II. Thanks, Forrest. Life really is like a box of chocolates. A box of chocolates that James Cameron is allergic to. Suck it, sci fi nerds.
12:05 – The Hurt Locker was my favorite movie last year, so obviously I’m the smartest man alive. Well, it wouldn’t have killed the academy to nominate Drag Me To Hell. At least create a Beat Projectile Vomit category, at least.