Any kind of hat, including cap, beanie, fedora, cowboy, skull, doo-rag, yarmulke, bowler, Kangol, newsie, Ebenezer Scrooge nightcap, sombrero, turban, pork pie, etc. etc. Plus, wearing a hat will make you go bald. True story.
They make me look like a little kid doing a Risky Business/Top Gun impression, depending on the type of glasses, or how you like your Tom Cruise — pimp-y or fighter pilot-y.
The lenses are too thick, because I have this kind of vision.
Everyone will think I’m a fancy lad! Spoiler alert: I am.
I don’t trust anything without a collar. Where’d the collar go? What are you hiding? Why do you want people to see my skinny neck?
- V-neck shirts
First you took away my collar, now MORE fabric goes missing? This is a disaster — a pale, hairless-chested, protruding sternum, disaster.
- Tank tops
This is a fabric massacre! My arms are cold, because they don’t have the ability to retain heat, due to their whispiness.
I’m not a businessman who does business things. I can’t even spell synchronicity. Oh, look, I guess I can. Gimme that coat: Exit strategy, synergy, 401k, contigency plan…
I’ll only wear a suit to funerals, weddings, my own funeral, and my own wedding, ordered in importance.
The tragedy here is I love vests, but I always feel like Paula Abdul in the “Forever Your Girl” video.
- Argyle sweaters
I have several of these in my closet — I look at them longingly, then shut the closet door slowly, like a coffin lid.
- Tight-ish pants
“Can they see the outline? Someone please tell me if they can see the outline.”
- Loose pants
“Why can’t they see the outline? I don’t want them to think I’m less-than.”
I don’t own a boat, and I’m not about to walk around wearing a boat owner’s uniform.
Back in high school, I ran into the girl of my wildest dreams at a Blockbuster. She ran up to me and put her hand around my leg, exclaiming, “Look, I can touch fingers!” Thus began my decades-long shorts fast.
- Swim trunks
Swim trunks are tight-ish pants and shorts rolled all into one massive nightmare. A double whammy.
Boots give me petite feet, a feminine step. I don’t want to shuffle across the floor to avoid the click-clacking.
- Flip flops/Sandals
WHO WILLINGLY SHOWS THEIR TOES TO PEOPLE?
I don’t have the time to focus attention to my skinny wrists. But I DO have the time to make a bad pun.
- Jewelry of any kind
I’m just of the opinion that if you wear jewelry (rings, necklaces, earrings, bracelets), then you’re probably a child molester. I feel like it’s a pretty common opinion.
- Bulky coats
I was told in middle school that wearing a bulky coat makes you a gang member. I’m not about to get shot in the back by a rogue Jimmy McNulty.
Specifically the big ones, like these. Nobody but Dr. Dre himself can pull off this look. Him and maybe this asshole.
- Everything else
I’m pretty okay with everything else, although short sleeve button-ups are on notice.