Articles of Clothing I’m Genuinely Terrified to Wear in Public

  • Hats
    Any kind of hat, including cap, beanie, fedora, cowboy, skull, doo-rag, yarmulke, bowler, Kangol, newsie, Ebenezer Scrooge nightcap, sombrero, turban, pork pie, etc. etc. Plus, wearing a hat will make you go bald. True story.
  • Sunglasses
    They make me look like a little kid doing a Risky Business/Top Gun impression, depending on the type of glasses, or how you like your Tom Cruise — pimp-y or fighter pilot-y.
  • Glasses
    The lenses are too thick, because I have this kind of vision.
  • Scarves
    Everyone will think I’m a fancy lad! Spoiler alert: I am.
  • T-shirts
    I don’t trust anything without a collar. Where’d the collar go? What are you hiding? Why do you want people to see my skinny neck?
  • V-neck shirts
    First you took away my collar, now MORE fabric goes missing? This is a disaster — a pale, hairless-chested, protruding sternum, disaster.
  • Tank tops
    This is a fabric massacre! My arms are cold, because they don’t have the ability to retain heat, due to their whispiness.
  • Blazers/sportscoats
    I’m not a businessman who does business things. I can’t even spell synchronicity. Oh, look, I guess I can. Gimme that coat: Exit strategy, synergy, 401k, contigency plan…
  • Suits
    I’ll only wear a suit to funerals, weddings, my own funeral, and my own wedding, ordered in importance.
  • Argyle sweaters
    I have several of these in my closet — I look at them longingly, then shut the closet door slowly, like a coffin lid.
  • Tight-ish pants
    “Can they see the outline? Someone please tell me if they can see the outline.”
  • Loose pants
    “Why can’t they see the outline? I don’t want them to think I’m less-than.”
  • Khakis
    I don’t own a boat, and I’m not about to walk around wearing a boat owner’s uniform.
  • Shorts
    Back in high school, I ran into the girl of my wildest dreams at a Blockbuster. She ran up to me and put her hand around my leg, exclaiming, “Look, I can touch fingers!” Thus began my decades-long shorts fast.
  • Swim trunks
    Swim trunks are tight-ish pants and shorts rolled all into one massive nightmare. A double whammy.
  • Boots
    Boots give me petite feet, a feminine step. I don’t want to shuffle across the floor to avoid the click-clacking.
  • Flip flops/Sandals
  • Watches
    I don’t have the time to focus attention to my skinny wrists. But I DO have the time to make a bad pun.
  • Jewelry of any kind
    I’m just of the opinion that if you wear jewelry (rings, necklaces, earrings, bracelets), then you’re probably a child molester. I feel like it’s a pretty common opinion.
  • Bulky coats
    I was told in middle school that wearing a bulky coat makes you a gang member. I’m not about to get shot in the back by a rogue Jimmy McNulty.
  • Headphones
    Specifically the big ones, like these. Nobody but Dr. Dre himself can pull off this look. Him and maybe this asshole.
  • Everything else
    I’m pretty okay with everything else, although short sleeve button-ups are on notice.

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