Last year, Netflix murdered the Friends portion of their website. This was a dick move. How was I to know what other like-minded people were enjoying? How were my buddies supposed to see my hilarious* mini-reviews? They credited the couldn’t-possibly-be-true statistic that only 2% of subscribers used the Friends page as the reason for its untimely demise. Being a member of that minute group, I decided to treat their website like a gallon of spoiled 2% milk — using it sparingly, hating myself the entire time. I update my queue and call it a day. There’s nothing for me there. I’d switch to Blockbuster, if they weren’t already sitting in a trash can, causing a stink.
So instead of stewing over this shocking lack of respect from a billion dollar company, I’ll just treat this space as my new Friends page. I’ve watched a veritable assload of films over the last few years, so this may be a multi-parter.
* not true
It’s Kind of a Funny Story: It’s kind of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, but made for tweens that cut themselves because Miley got high that one time. Nahthankya.
Cyrus: If the filmmakers’ goal was to make me hate actors I normally love, well then congratulations, I turned off your movie after 45 minutes. You can pick up your award when I see you in Hell.
Faster: If you look at the poster too fast (irony?), it looks like Farter. So, that’s something.
Winter’s Bone: Jennifer Lawrence makes meth and mountain folk look hot. The hills have eyes, and they’re staring at your boobies.
Flakes: Oh, you’ve never heard of this Zooey Deschanel-starred indie movie about a cafe that only serves cereal? I guess you were too busy adhering to the status quo. *sips gazpacho, trims bangs*
Public Enemies: Sure, it looks great, but so do I when I wear tank tops. It’s all surface with no substance underneath (I need to start working out more than just my glamour muscles).
Persepolis: I was disappointed to discover that this wasn’t about Frankie Persepolis, father of the modern gyro food truck. Why is his story left untold?
Clash of the Titans: I was disappointed to discover that I had confused this with the original Clash of the Champions where Sting fought Ric Flair to a draw. Why is this classic left unappreciated?
Cop Out: The nicest thing I can say about this is it didn’t make me suffocate a small animal. The goodwill that Bruce, Tracy, and Kevin built up over the years probably saved your life, Cat That Lives Next Door.
Twilight: Here’s the thing: this is genuinely terrible. Like, unbelievably terrible. But when the credits started to roll, I thought to myself, “Well, time to watch the next one.” I need to know how this bullshit ends, kind of like witnessing a hanging. Is he going to poo himself? I don’t want to see that, but I kind of do.
Twilight: New Moon: No poo-filled pants yet, but there’s still two more to go. Fingers crossed.
Repo Men: I have no recollection of this movie, other than Jude Law slicin’ throats and finally embracing his receding hairline. I’m sure those were the director’s exact intentions.
Greenberg: You know what you’re getting into when you watch a Noah Baumbach film: dudes that hate themselves, elitism, awkward sex, i.e., everything relatable to me. 5 thumbs up!
Crazy Heart: Just like The Wrestler, but minus the spandex and spray tans, i.e., everything relatable to me. 5 thumbs down!
The Blind Side: Sandra Bullock changed that boy’s life. These methods are totally universal. Just be a rich, hot white lady, basically kidnap a poor black kid, and then make him a millionaire. It’s. That. Simple. If some tarted-up broad on The Wire had asked Wallace to come stay with her, maybe he would have ended up playing for Coach Taylor and East Dillon. OH WAIT, HE DID. Also, this movie is terrible.
As I began to review all of the movies I enjoyed in 2009, it become immediately clear that this year stood out in one particular way: It was a great time for animated films. This is not typically the case. On a good year, I might genuinely enjoy one, sometimes two, and almost always it’s because Pixar or Aardman put something out. I listed ten films that might make the cut in this year’s self-indulgent Top 5, and it contained three animated movies. Thirty percent? That’s an absurd occurrence for a 29-year old man that doesn’t enjoy LARP-ing or Furry Fetish conventions. This began to get in my head a little. No way I was going to list that many cartoons, no matter how much I enjoyed them. Over time (yes, I put that much thought into it) things worked themselves out, in a sense, when I came to terms with a final five. The one that didn’t make the cut, please accept my apology. I’m sure you’ll have a hard time getting out of bed once this devastating news reaches your earholes.
Another not-as-positive theme this year? Me not ever going to the movies. The list of films I should have seen but didn’t is staggering. My deepest regrets to the following: Moon, Crazy Heart, The Road, Big Fan, Zombieland, A Serious Man, Bruno, A Single Man, Precious, The Messenger, Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans, and this year’s winner for Best Trailer, Black Dynamite.
All of these will surely get their due in the coming year, thanks to my trusty Netflix addiction. I know, too little, too late, nancy boy. BUT I’M TRYING, FILM INDUSTRY THAT DOESN’T REALLY NEED MY MONEY OR MY OPINION!
Anyway, let’s start off with my specialty: Hate.
THE WORST OF 2009; OR, THE YEAR OF OVERBLOWN GARBAGE THAT TRIED TO RUIN MY CHILDHOOD
5. Where the Wild Things Are
Putting a new generation of children on Zoloft since 2009
It kind of upsets me to have to put this one here, but it produced such strong feelings within me that I couldn’t really ignore it. I couldn’t name the last movie that confused me as much as this one. I went from near tears with happiness to near tears with rage at least five separate times in 90 minutes. This movie is an anti-depressant come to life. if bipolar disorder could be diagnosed in celluloid, this would be the first known case. And now I’ll never be able to watch The Sopranos again, because Carol the Monster IS Tony Soprano, friggin’ voice and all: He loves his family, but his mood swings come with violence and destruction. Although, with Carol they come from out of nowhere and serve no general purpose other than to depress the audience. This film is joyless and makes me wish Max had never run away to the wild rumpus.
4. Watchmen
Behold: The most boring superheroes in the known universe
Disclaimer: Before seeing this movie, I knew very little about the graphic novel. I had read a little over a third of it in high school, and tried to read a little more a week or so before it came out, so keep that in mind if you feel like I’m “missing the point” with this one. I understand that it’s faithful to the novel; that doesn’t change the fact that it doesn’t adapt well to film. Plot holes become more glaring, the story drags for what seems like centuries, and only a handful of characters aren’t incredibly dull and underdeveloped (Rorschach, The Comedian). This isn’t a terrible movie, just a below average one, and when expectations are high, the backlash factor is just as high.
3. Avatar
Dances with Hypothermia Victims
In the same vein as Watchmen in the hype category, but different in the sense that it’s actually a terrible movie. You’ve probably heard the typical complaints: cliche story, cliche characters, cliche action sequences, cliche, cliche, cliche. And these are all not without merit, believe me. But what makes Avatar truly awful is how unapologetic it is in its ineptitude. James Cameron believed people would ignore the lack of story and creativity if he devoted all of his effort in creating the world of Pandora. I do applaud him here — Pandora is a beautiful place to visit, but so is Vietnam and I’m not about to book my honeymoon there. It’s like Cameron placed a bunch of plot devices in a bag, shook it up right good, and had a gibbon pull them out one at a time. “Okay, we have ‘Giant robot with person inside that I already put in Aliens,’ and ‘Knife fight.’ Brilliant!” James Cameron thinks you’re dumber than a gibbon. How does that make you feel?
2. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
Not in this movie, but would it have made it any different?
Complete no-brainer, this one here, in more ways than one. It truly belongs on this list and it truly is incompetent. As someone that didn’t dislike the first installment, I had wavering hopes for this effort. In the back of my mind, I couldn’t shake the Michael Bay factor, but it was a big movie with big robots and big explosions…..how could it go completely wrong? The reanimated corpse of the original Lassie could have directed this movie and it still would have been a functional summer blockbuster. Here’s what Bay did: Took the greatest thing going for the movie (Optimus Prime), had him disappear for 80% of the running time, and added farting robots with robot testicles. I won’t even mention the “hip-hop” robots with gold teeth that didn’t know how to read. Wait, I guess I just did. Jesus wept.
1. G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra
Body Armor Abs and Nips: Knowing is half the battle.
This one isn’t even close. As much as I hated Transformers, it’s practically a walk in the park on a sunny day, ending with a rub and tug, compared to this abomination’s afternoon of waterboarding and paper-cuts, ending with a sledgehammer to the groin. At least with the fighting robots, it was somewhat genuine to the source material. Here, the filmmakers took a story about a special forces unit pitted against a terrorist organization, entrenched in gritty realism (kind of, not really, but sorta), and turned it into science fiction mumbo jumbo starring fashion models that only know one look — constipated. This could have been a modern day war movie, I mean, nothing too serious, but on par with something like Black Hawk Down. Instead, we were handed laser guns and Channing Tatum (currently the worst actor getting work) looking like the star of a Colon Blow commercial. You’re all fired. All of you.
THE BEST OF 2009; OR, THE MOVIES I LIKED BETTER THAN UP, INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS, AND UP IN THE AIR (SUCK IT)
Honorable Mentions:
I Love You, Man
My favorite comedy of the year. I appreciated Paul Rudd and Jason Segal reversing character types they usually get pigeonholed in.
I loved Maya Rudolph in this. She showed a vulnerability I never imagined was in her range. Sure, this was the second cousin to (500) Days of Summer in the canon of hipster twee cinema, but this one had more substance. Plus, there weren’t any dance sequences with animated birds.
Funny People
I don’t agree with the argument that the third act took a turn for the weird/worse. This was never a comedy. It was entrenched in drama from the very beginning, so I’m not sure why people thought the tone changed in a drastic way. Adam Sandler’s best work since Punch Drunk Love and Judd Apatow’s best movie.
UP
The animated movie that barely missed the cut. I can hear you bitching already. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed it at a high level — just not as much as the five you’re about to see. The first 10 minutes probably contain the best montage, well, maybe ever. If you don’t weep, then you’re incapable of feeling. My only complaints involved the antagonist. I didn’t buy the reasoning for his change of heart, OR that he’d actually still be alive. What is he, 110?
Winner, Winners, Chicken Dinners
5. Coraline
I learned how to do this watching Beetlejuice...or was it Pan's Labyrinth?
Stop-motion made a comeback this year, although I hesitate to say that it ever really went away. Wallace and Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit was a success not too long ago, so there’s no question that stop-motion is alive and well. The only thing is that feature length stop-motion films are few in far between when compared to the oodles of computer animated films released every year. But it is a comeback in my eyes, when you couple it with the other movie you’ll find a few spots down on this list. Henry Selick, the director, seems to take his time in between projects. You may know his work on a little thing called THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE FUGGIN’ CHRISTMAS. (Side note: I just found a possible explanation for his long absence……Monkeybone. He made that pile? That’s a career killer.) But this is certainly a return to form — Coraline is a strange mash-up of the beautiful and the bizarre that will certainly scare anyone under the age of 11 into a coma. I’ve had nightmares about waking up with buttons for eyes. And about Teri Hatcher turning into a spider. A spider with anorexia. “Ohhhh, maybe just one more fly. Five of my legs are looking cellulite-y.” (The last one might be a lie.)
4. Adventureland
Resolution for 2010: Wear the vest/t-shirt combo at least once a week
The studio promoted this movie all wrong. I blame my hesitation to see it in the theater not on my own stupidity, but on the marketing campaign. I didn’t want to see a Superbad re-hash starring the guy that wasn’t the guy smearing semen on school lockers in The Squid and the Whale. It just screamed subpar teen comedy, and I was having none of it, y’all. (Because I’m wicked ahead of the curve, you see?) So I waited until Netflix did all the work for me and sent it to my mailbox. 107 minutes later and, boy oh boy, do I owe Greg Mottola (dir.) an apology. I loved this movie. Here is the first genuine coming-of-age comedy to come around in years, and I discarded it immediately as another “let’s put our penises in things” American Pie prequel. I even hesitate to call it a comedy, because it deals with the pains of growing up in mature fashion. It’s no Fast Times at Ridgemont High, but it sure is close.
3. The Fantastic Mr. Fox
Awwwwwwwww!
This is going to sound like an insult, but I do not mean it as such: The Fantastic Mr. Fox is the best movie Wes Anderson has made since The Royal Tenenbaums. Yes, the stop-motion kid’s movie about fuzzy animals is his best work in eight years. Honestly, though, I doubt he would be offended by this notion. This movie is certainly something he should proudly stand behind. He managed to include all of his signature tricks (title cards, scorned father figures, Rolling Stones songs, etc.) into a stop-motion film starring a family of foxes, and not only that, he made the family relatable and sincere. Somehow, all the hipster quirks that draw people away from Anderson’s films work in reverse when puppets are involved. Everyone should love this movie. No excuses.
2. Drag Me to Hell
Fun for the whole family!
My face hurt after seeing this movie. I smiled for so long, and at such a high level, that I felt like I had gone to mouth muscle pilates (There’s a joke here that I’m not going to make. Out of respect for my mother). This is Sam Raimi returning to his roots, finally, and delivering the best horror-comedy in years. This shouldn’t come as a shock — he practically invited the genre. And poor Alison Lohman. She really earned her paycheck in this one. In every other scene she was either being thrown around a room or having things thrown up on her. You name it: blood, maggots, embalming fluid, old gypsy lady spit, it all ended up in her mouth at one point. So, am I successfully selling this one yet? Well, if you aren’t a horror fan, then you’re surely not going to enjoy this. But if you’re like me, you’ll embrace it wholeheartedly and watch it twice a week.
1. The Hurt Locker
My head throbs just thinking about this movie
I typically don’t go to films involving war, or the military in general. It’s just not my cup of liberal pansy tea, that’s all. But I had an off day and a new neighborhood to explore, so I ambled over to the closest theater to see what was playing, and lo and behold, this was the best option. And Siddhartha H. Christ, was I not disappointed. From minute one, you are simply not allowed to relax. That whole “it’ll have you on the edge of your seat” cliche? It’s real. Embarrassingly, it’s real. I usually have a problem suspending my disbelief in action/horror films, and this never allows me to feel any real danger for the characters. But, I don’t know, I felt involved when the bomb unit inched closer and closer to their probable demise. This is a level of filmmaking success that’s so rare these days. I can watch Will Smith ALMOST get eatin’ up while welcoming an alien to Earff, and of course, I’m not going to feel intimately involved. But I can also watch Jarhead or Black Hawk Down and never feel a thing. These films should be steeped in reality, but they still feel like studio backlot action sequences. Kathryn Bigelow (dir.)successfully made me feel entrenched in war. Tip of the hat to you, madam. Also, so far Jeremy Renner has received some recognition for his work, but not nearly enough. The Golden Globes looked him over completely, and if the Oscars follow suit, then that would be a tremendous shame.
What a boring year for movies. Seriously. Where were the life-changers? I saw some seriously great films, but none of them really stuck with me over night. On a few occasions, I left the theater feeling like I just witnessed a fantastic piece of filmmaking; however, the next day I completely forgot how that felt. So, this year, I’m going to forgo my usual Top 5, and just list the movies I enjoyed the most, in no particular order. With no standout number one, it just doesn’t seem right to pick one over the other. This leaves me kind of sad, like someone took away my right to party. I forgot to fight for it, apparently.
BURN AFTER READING
Malkovich shows Jenkins the proper way to trim balding hair
Too many people left the theater after this one thinking, “That was pointless.” This made me kind of angry, like Ang Lee after The Hulk got lambasted: “They just don’t understand its genius!” Except, this time, there wasn’t a giant green monster with “feelings.” What we have here is a good old fashioned piece of silly slapstick, which some people thought should have been more dignified. These people missed the pontoon on this one. And not just by a few minutes. They were a good 3 years late to the marina. There were two characters in the film (played by Empty Nest’s own David Rasche and the immortal J.K. Simmons) who were only there to let us, the audience, know that this movie served no purpose:
” What did we learn, Palmer?”
“I don’t know, sir.”
“I don’t fucking know either. I guess we learned not to do it again.”
“Yes, sir.”
“I’m fucked if I know what we did.”
“Yes, sir, it’s, uh, hard to say.”
“Jesus Fucking Christ.”
What is there to misunderstand here? For 90 minutes, we were witnesses to several different types of stupidity, whether it was Brad Pitt’s cluelessly sweet personal trainer, or Frances McDormand’s body-obsessed romantic doormat. There was no point to any of it, other than to make us laugh. And laugh I did, constantly. It felt kind of odd, being the loudest person in the theater, but whatever, I enjoyed the film. Sit on it, you uptight jagggggoffs.
THE WRESTLER
Rourke takes a moment to ponder the importance of the Harlem Renaissance
I should mention upfront that I am a closet wrestling fan. This is not something I am proud of, it’s just always been a fact. I’ve tried to break away from the bright lights and bright tights, and for a few months I’m successful, but then I’ll catch it on one Monday night, and I’m hooked again. It’s a constant cycle. I should also state that I don’t watch it because I like the violence, or the goofy story lines. No, sirs and madams, I watch because it’s just all so fascinating. I genuinely enjoy how it’s all put together, the technicality of it all, the little things these guys do to entertain a crowd of 40 or 40,000. I know, I know, send your jeers my way. It’s not like I don’t understand your spite.
With that said, you can understand why I was a little underwhelmed by The Wrestler. I think I watched it too much like an academic (which sounds super nerdy, but oh well). But I could point out the intricacies of the wrestling world, all the backstage stuff, or how over the hill performers are treated. If this information was all new, I may have been more appalled or captivated. I spent most the time going, “Yup, that’s how that works,” instead of “Good god, that poor guy.”
Even so, I couldn’t ignore the job Mickey Rourke did. It’s one thing to understand the wrestling world, it’s another to be able to capture it completely, as he did. He nailed it, in every way. His is a perfect example of the forgotten entertainer. Some of you will certainly remember guys like Mr. Perfect, Rick Rude, Big Boss Man, etc. These guys did a lot for your childhoods, mine included. All are now dead, as are a lot of wrestlers from that era. Thanks to Rourke, their stories have been told. Not all were left nearly penniless, but lots certainly were, with medical bills and drug problems. He’s done them a great service with this film. If he doesn’t win every major award, I’ll be shocked. I imagine he won’t for silly reasons, like he’s Mickey Rourke, or that professional wrestling shouldn’t be rewarded in any capacity. We’ll just have to wait and see. Go see it if you want a fine character piece. But be warned, it’s pretty gruesome, in a violent and heartbreaking way.
RACHEL GETTING MARRIED
I bought those earrings first, you betch
Part two of our “Cry Yourself to Sleep” Double Feature. If you thought our last movie was a bummer, you ain’t seen nothing yet. Good lord was this depressing. Jonathan Demme shot it with a handheld camera, giving an intimate look to the film. It felt like we were watching home movies, and that maybe we shouldn’t be eavesdropping on everything. It’s none of our business when two sisters bicker over why one wasn’t chosen as the other’s maid of honor, but we were privy to every word. Everything felt real, a little too real. You can credit this to both Demme and the actors involved. This was the first time I can remember Anne Hathaway disappearing into a role. This was also the first time I can remember hating Anne Hathaway. This is a compliment, because her character is awful, just awful. Awkwardly following her around from familial argument to random fuck up to bohemian dance-filled wedding reception was not easy, but it was a fantastic cinematic journey.
Kudos also go out to Bill Irwin, who played the patriarch of the family. He has mostly been known as “that other guy who wasn’t Robin Williams” in the “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” video, usually playing goofy, clown-like roles. But here, he was a combination of unbridled joy and conflicted pain. He has two daughters he loves very much, but one gives him joy, the other gives him pain. You can see how this back and forth affects him in his expressions, and I have to admit that I didn’t know Irwin had it in him. Good show, sir.
I’d say that I loved this movie, but I can’t. While it was fantastic in many ways, I was still put off by how unique and diverse it tried to be. Some of it came off as forced, and it just seemed incredibly unnecessary. Did we really need the lead singer from TV on the Radio as the fiance? No, we did not. And don’t get me started on the Brazilian dancers at the Indian wedding. God dam…I mean, Shiva damn it.
THE DARK KNIGHT
Me before I've had my Monday morning coffeee.......oh, I'm bad!
I’m not sure if I really need to say anything about this one; you’ve all seen it. I’m yet to meet anyone that didn’t at least like it. Not necessarily love it, but just like it. As for me, I was part of the “love it” group. I saw it twice in about 18 hours when it first came out, and it seems to get only better with multiple viewings. Sure, you can nitpick here and there about some things (lack of Bruce Wayne, not enough development for Two-Face, Joker not having his own movie, Maggie Gyllenhaal’s face, etc), but those are easily overlooked by the awesomeness of it all. Come over and watch it with me. I’ve got nothing better to do.
THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON
I had no idea Brad Pitt was only a torso. Seemed taller in other films
This movie caught me at the right moment when something kind of sappy and romantic would actually win me over. This is not to say it’s a longer version of The Notebook, not even close. It does have romance, but it’s also full of beautiful visuals and above average storytelling. David Fincher never lets me down. The man can really do anything at this point. From Seven and Fight Club, to Zodiac and The Game, he has never made a bad movie. Sure, Alien³ was kind of a piece of crap, but it looked awesome, and it was his first movie. That has to count for something, right? Right!
At nearly three hours, I’ve heard a lot of complaints from people that it ran a good 45 minutes too long. I don’t necessarily agree. I was never bored, and I legitimately think that if anything was cut out, the story would have been damaged. I was hooked from the beginning and probably could have enjoyed another 30 minutes or so. What this film completely solidified for me was my infatuation with Cate Blanchett. Before Babel, I never noticed her. For whatever reason, I found her to be quite striking in that film. You could call this The Pitt Effect. Anytime she’s matched up with Bradley William, she’s infinitely more attractive. Put that in your craw and let it stew, ya’lls.
I’m wondering if this is going to be rewatchable at all. At that length, it’s really a toss-up. The story’s already been told, nothing comes as a surprise. I don’t know. I feel like I’ll still enjoy it on AMC in ten years. Maybe that’s just me.
The One Movie Whose Hype I’m Not Buying:
SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE
Let's strike a more cliche pose next time, or is that not possible?
Look, don’t get me wrong, I didn’t dislike this movie. I thought it was visually striking, and that the first half was very strong. The tale of the two brothers living on their own and finding ways to survive, mixed with the modern day questioning at the police station, was very well done. Captivating, even. But once the boys grew up, and the whole “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?” thing got all hokey and tiresome, it lost all steam, and thus, lost me completely. All originality was tossed out the window. I also didn’t buy the love story. At all. The two star-crossed lovers found each other too easily, and they had no chemistry. It played more like Mumbai 90210. And don’t get me started on the plot devices they created to get him to know the trivia questions. Complete, total, undeniable, 100%, grade A bullshit. Okay, okay, it’s starting to sound like I hated this movie. I didn’t, I swear. It’s a solid B. But is it worthy of major awards? Not even close. I’d pair it up with Crash as the most overrated Best Picture winner if it goes that far.
UPDATE!!!!!
After viewing this film on a quick plane ride to Seattle, I realized quickly that it deserved a spot on this list. Big love goes out to……….
WALL-E
OMG SO CUTE
I have this unwritten rule that will not allow me to see animated movies in the theater. I don’t go all that often, and I just feel like I’m not going to waste that opportunity on something that is mostly designed for children. But after Wall-E, or A.W., I might have to slash this rule from the record. For the love of Vishnu, did I enjoy this movie. Hands down the best romance of the year, and it’s about robots!! That just goes to show what kind of pap is coming out the pipeline these days. The first 30 minutes or so are nearly silent, scratch the robot noises and what not. It’s a Charlie Chaplin romance for the 28th century. It’s Modern Times for the modern times. Et cetera, et cetera. Anyway, it’s up there with The Dark Knight as my favorite.
This will be the first of several “Best of/Worst of” lists of 2006. Who knows how many I can come up with; they might last through Groundhog Day. Let’s just wait and see.
As you might have guessed, I’m a sucker for a paragraph full of hate, so I’d much rather do the “Worst of’s.” It’s so much easier to write derogatory comments then come up with a well-written analysis of something I sincerely appreciate. Therefore, let’s kick it off with…
There are always a couple movies in my most hated that are only included because they were such major letdowns. Truly awful films, like Codename: The Cleaner are never viewed with lofty expectations, because they never aspire to be anything more than a mildy amusing waste of 80 minutes. But when something should be awesome, from start to finish, and ends up stinking up the joint worse than Dikembe Mutombo after some Thai food, it then ranks higher in the ass department than anything Cedric the Entertainer could imagine. I’d much rather see an average Rob Schneider movie than a bad Vince Vaughn movie, any day of the week. It’s just disheartening to see truly funny people bomb.
I chose the picture above to highlight a point. Why, for the love of Elliott Gould, would you stick three of the funniest people in the business in one movie, and then not squeeze as much funny from them as humanly possible? Hell, Jason Bateman is only in like three scenes, and I don’t think he has a single comedic line. Jason Bateman: Straight Man, is not something I ever cared to see. If I wanted unfunny Bateman, I’d rent Teen Wolf Too. Jon Favreau is also used sparingly, and with the exception of one classic back and forth with Vince at the bar, he is also barely seen.
Instead of the obvious path to success, the filmmakers chose to give us, the paying audience, 90 minutes of Vince and Jennifer doing terrible things to each other. Terrible things that aren’t remotely funny, just painful and mean. I never wanted them to stay together, since it was insanely obvious they didn’t deserve each other. I hate to bring up anything starring Michael Douglas, but if you want two ex-lovers hating on each other, then watch War of the Roses. This was actually funny, even with the presence of a sober Danny DeVito.
I didn’t want to hate this movie. Honestly, it’s far better than something like The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause, but it’s supreme failure needs to be recognized.
Last year, I put Crash in bottom five. This was months before it won Best Picture at the Oscars. I don’t regret the decision, and I still say it’s a piece of manipulative trite. Well, this year, I may be doing the same thing with United 93. It’s getting some late buzz, just like Crash did last year, and it could be the underdog of the awards season. If you ask me, none of that makes sense.
What I saw was an increasingly dull, pointless movie that has no reason to exist, other than to show how boring an air traffic controller’s life can be, even during hectic moments. I felt nothing during this movie, other than a growing headache. All I learned is our government is thoroughly inept, and if we are ever attacked again, then we’re surely screwed ten times to Tuesday.
Sure, it was real time, but that was a real boring 90 minutes. It earned a spot at number four specifically because it was the most boring movie I saw all year. I couldn’t trust any of the events to be factually true, especially the scenes on the plane. I feel like I should have been moved by the efforts of the passengers, but instead, I kept saying, “Yeah, that didn’t happen.” I understand the thought process in why it was made, but this could have been an hour long special on CBS and been just as successful. A story in need of a full-length feature, it was not. But hey, what do I know? I hated last year’s best movie.
After this disaster (sadly, pun intended), Sweet Home Alabama, Stealth, and Glory Road, Josh Lucas has firmly established himself as one of the shittiest actors this side of the Atlantic. He’s one Joel Schumacher film away from turning into the King of Unitentional Comedy. But I can’t blame the awfulness of this movie just on him. It’s not bad in a waterlogged, Kevin Costner Drinking His Own Pee in Waterworld way, just bad in a Richard Dreyfuss Not Getting Killed in Jaws way. Seriously, how do you mess that up? You already stuck in Fergie and immediately drowned her, so you’re doing something right. But then, you bring in the co-star of Krippendorf’s Tribe that wasn’t Jenna Elfman, and you let him live?!? That’s just Filmmaking 101: kill off the annoying people.
There’s more to why this movie just didn’t work, but there’s nothing more to be said other than they killed Kurt Russell aka Captain Ron, Snake Plissken, and Jack Burton himself, and I didn’t give a damn. This man has epitomized “Awesome” in so many movies, and I didn’t give a floppy shit that he drowned. You could blame it on the sub-zero character development, or the paper thin dialogue, but mostly, you can just blame it on Jacinda Barrett, the star of The Real World: London, and her clingy dress. How can I pay attention to the ever so important dialogue when she’s soaking wet? That’s a distraction I’m not willing to overcome. And as for Josh Lucas, at least he can cling on to the slim hopes that he could get his ass kicked again in the next Incredible Hulk movie. I know I’d look forward to seeing that. 2. RUNNING SCARED
I should say upfront that Paul Walker is the worst “mainstream” actor of this generation. He has no business getting work, but for some strange reason, people keep paying him to be in their movies. Everytime I see him, or listen to him try and not sound halfway retarded, an hour of my life is taken away. Thanks to effing Paul Walker, I’m going to die in my early fifties. Seriously, his first “big break” was in Meet the Deedles. Shouldn’t that have told us something? You don’t see the other Deedle getting work, do you? He must have sold his empty soul to some demon, probably the God of Keanu Reeves. Or maybe just Keanu himself, he seems oddly inhuman.
But with all of that said, Paul Walker was not the reason why this movie is unwatchable. It’s unwatchable in every single way, INCLUDING our friend, Mr. Walker. Typically, I don’t have a problem turning off my capacity for rational thought when I watch action movies, but during this atrocity, I kept going, “Seriously? SERIOUSLY?? WTF!!” I can watch something outlandish, like Kill Bill, and not have a problem with what’s going on. Sure, it’s all ridiculous, but it’s all in the name of fun. But this go around, the screenwriter was really reaching for something insane to take place every five minutes, e.g., the random yuppie child pornographers. Straight out of left field and completely unnecessary. And this is coming from a guy that thinks Star Wars could really happen.
I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again: There is only one Quentin Tarentino, stop trying to be him. This is my current least favorite genre. I just get the feeling that once Tarentino’s Grindhouse comes out, I can finally wipe this mess out of my memory for good, and replace it with the aforementioned Kurt Russell killing people with a car. Ah, good times.
Are you looking at that picture? Seriously, just take a look, let it all sink in. I’ll give you a minute.
(Imagine gentle muzak)
(Maybe some Andrea Bocelli)
(Or Josh Groban)
(But no Manilow, that’s uncalled for)
Has it seeped in completely?If so, then I don’t think I really have to say anything.
Okay, maybe I’ll say a few things. I loved X-Men 2. Loved, loved, loved it. Once Jean Grey drowned in that flood, and the image of the phoenix floated across the water, I received a full-on chub that didn’t go away for three years. There was so much they could do with the the follow-up. The possibilities were limitless. So, I waited a few years with inflating hopes, and I plopped down in the theater next to all of the unbathed fanboys, and braced myself for greatness. And what did I receive in kind? An hour and a half of body odor and complete bullshit. I still get angry thinking about it. It was color by numbers filmmaking. Major characters were killed off willy nilly, others were rendered “human”, and the effing Golden Gate Bridge was used as a surfboard when they could have just taken a fuggin ferry. But really, all of this is moot anyhow, because of this phrase: Kelsey Grammar (F**KING FRASIER CRANE) as The Beast. THE END.
Matthew Leathers 
